Lots Going On!

It’s been a very busy spring – work and personal life both.  I logged in  a few times thinking I will write, but then I got side tracked with something more pressing.

Because I haven’t written in a while and because this blog is all about my views as a 1.5 Generation Indian, why don’t I talk about that.

My cigar friend and I have been spending a lot of time together recently.  With work slowing down since the beginning of June, I have made many “trips” to hang out with her (45 minutes to an hour one way).  We’ve had a few arguments (one major argument and I called the relationship off) but we’ve kept going.  Things are generally going well.

This past Saturday, my cigar friend’s mom was interested in going to a rain dance party at her local club.  In India, people hang out at “clubs”.  These were the in things, and still are, before pubs and restaurants came up all over the country.  You would go to your local club, which requires membership, for dinner, maybe an event or two, gymming, swimming, etc.  It is a social hang out place as well where you meet people from the vicinity.

This is the second (or is it third?) time I’ve met aunty.  I like the fact that she’s very talkative.  I like talkative people.  We hung out at the club and it was fun.  I had a good time.  I was tired all day that day and towards the evening/night it was definitely happening more so.  I think they understood.

Anyhow, to the 1.5 Generation Indian discussion: my cigar friend and I have been talking since early this year about getting out of town.  We said we would go to Amritsar, Dharamshala, Jim Corbett, Kasauli, Lansdowne, and maybe even a few other places.  We haven’t made it out yet.  Well, until this week that is.   You see, the issue is that my cigar friend’s mom doesn’t feel it is appropriate for her to go on a trip with just a guy.  There has to be a group and that group should have at least one other girl.  If my cigar friend is to go on trips with a guy, she should get married and then go, according to her mom.  If she was not in India, her mom would not care if she went on a trip.

Being Indian and living in India, I somewhat understand her concerns.  For a girl to go with a guy on a trip can be scandalous I suppose if someone “bad” finds out and makes an issue out of it or spreads it around.  It is easier outside of India for many reasons.  However, I disagree with the idea that a girl should get married first and then go out on these trips with her husband, a discussion I have had with my cigar friend multiple times.

You see, to me with the 1.5 Generation Indian outlook, I cannot marry someone until I have spent a good deal of time with them.  This includes local hanging out and talking (all kinds of talking).  It also includes trips.  You get away from the hustle bustle of city life and get to hang out in a different environment.  The journey is also fun.  It gives you a chance to bond.  Or to come across differences in how you approach things.  Past trips with friends have shown that there’s nothing like a road trip or a trip in general that can show people’s personalities and how much you get along with them or don’t get along with them.  (My reason for getting out of town isn’t just to bond or identify differences with my cigar friend, the root reason is really just to get out and see more of India, to travel, to absorb, to unwind after working like a dog for seven months.  My nerves were fried!  I needed to get out of Delhi!  But it also meets this other objective as well, indirectly).

My cigar friend’s mom believes people should get married and then do whatever they want to.  That is how it was in her generation.  That is how it still is with many people.  From having grown up in the States, that is not how I am used to things.  I could do it if I had to but I really would much rather avoid that kind of situation.  Maybe if had stayed in India all my life and had no Western exposure, I would be thinking along those same lines.  While I think differently on this issue, it is also true that I can understand where my cigar friend’s mom is coming from.  The thinking is not foreign to me.  To some extent, I am somewhat torn about it.  But only somewhat.  In this situation, I do think it’s fine to travel.  (I say all that now that it’s me and my cigar friend.  If we fast-forwarded life it was my own daughter, I may have a very different viewpoint!)

Anyway, as you may have surmised, things are going well with my cigar friend.  I could see it working out long term.  There are some “glitches” that need to be overcome (tit-for-tat and copying behaviors annoys the heck out of me).  There are also a few other issues that need to be sorted out.  It’s a relationship in progress and going the right direction though.

So, what else have I been doing?  The professional front has also been very busy.  It has also been stressful to some degree.  I am just finishing my contract work with an organization.  We are in talks for a long-term full-time job.  There are political factors being considered.  There are also financial factors.  I am looking to do what I’ve been doing and much more with the organization and to do it full-time.  I have told them that if the role I want is not doable or the finances don’t work, I will not be continuing forward with them any further.  It’s a tricky situation because the president of the organization needs to put in much less time.  Without me, he can’t really do that.  I know that and he knows that and that bothers him.  I am also very clear on what I want (I am not moving to the States unless I get a full-time job and if it’s with this same organization, then a very specific role).  The next few days may decide this as I’ve told them I don’t want to string this along too much further.

Trust and Hidden Things

When you start a relationship, I believe trust and honesty are key.  Loyalty develops over time but the person must believe in loyalty for it to happen.  Trust and honesty help build that kind of relationship.  It is a fact that I tend to be honest with anyone I am getting into a relationship with.  I feel it is only fair to them and fair to our relationship in the future.

My cigar friend and I went to a Dutch Orange Ball last night.  I met a couple of her friends.  She’s been very keen on me meeting them.  I’ve just been too busy to get out (well, besides the times I go meet her).  More on how hanging out with her friends went.  What I want to talk about is that my cigar friend was a bit guarded/hesitant/uncomfortable all night.  I wasn’t quite sure why.  I asked her and she said she wasn’t feeling well.  Her stomach was not right.

On the way back home, we were talking about how she was feeling.  She said it is something that happens once or twice a week.  The information sharing was coming in bits and flows and very hesitantly.  That’s not really good.  I started wondering what was not shared.  I know she had kidney problems a year ago and it got infected and she had a lot of hospital visits due to it.

Eventually, she told me she had a cyst in her uterus.  I am not sure how long it has been the case but at least a year.  She was taking medicine for it but it didn’t work.  Her doctor had told her it was not cancerous, medication was the first treatment and if that didn’t work then surgery would be required.  Cysts are common.  I am not sure the severeness of her situation so I’m not going to jump to conclusions.

But that is not good – at multiple levels.  The issue I want to talk about in this post is about trust and hidden things.  I understand my friend doesn’t like talking to people about her health as she explained to me.  Only one of her friends knows about this.  She says even her mother doesn’t know about it.  I find that a bit awkward but I can also understand if that is how things are.

When I was talking to her and sharing my concerns, I told her I would take her to the doctor now if it was a problem.  She said she’d go to her doctor on Monday.  I told her I will come by and pick her up and take her.  If she wanted to go with her mother, we’ll take her too.  If she wanted to go with her friend, we’ll do that too.  I would ask the doctor whatever questions needed to be asked.  She said she didn’t want me to talk to her doctor because “I would drive her doctor” away also.

Now you see, my cigar friend doesn’t like to say things directly sometimes.  She hints at stuff.  Something happens, she has a view on it, she’ll hint at it instead of saying directly.  This is not all the time but does happen.  I could only guess she was referring to something from the night.  What that could be I don’t know.  I’ll ask her when I talk to her again.  This is a disturbing method of communication for me, especially with someone who you are getting to know for marriage.  If you cannot be open and direct with that relationship (not mean, but nice and caring of course!), which is what it requires, then you’re going to get yourself in trouble.  Anyway, I guess I digressed.  Let’s go back.

When I talk to anyone for marriage, I tell them a few key things about me right away.  It’s usually in the first few weeks.  I do not want someone feeling uncomfortable about anything and getting emotionally involved with me.  It’s not fair.  I have also had women tell me a few things that they want to share.  But my cigar friend’s reponse was: “this isn’t one of those things you share” or something to the affect of “what’s there to share about that”?.  Well, I have a hard time with that.  How many other important issues does she have or we will come across later that would end up falling into that category?  How will we work through those issues if that is the approach?

I told her you could tell me anything but lying to me is just not good, even white lies.  I don’t do that either.  On the one hand, I believe the connection exists to trust her.  On the other hand, she is not open about things all the time and that is confusing and concerning.

Comparing

I came across an article on Yahoo’s home page the other day that talked about relationships.  I figured why not check it out.  One of the things the article talks about was quite appropriate for my situation with my cigar friend.

You see, my c.f. compares me to people in her life.  A few weeks ago it was comparison to her brother.  I understand some of this is going to happen and I deal with it.  Then the comparison went to someone else.  The question is, should I be concerned about this?  I am uncomfortable with it, that is true.  What do I do about it?  I have told my friend my concern but it still happens.

Should I be concerned?

Smelling the Roses

I enjoy smelling the roses along the path of life – i.e., I take time out for important things no matter how busy I am!  Sure, I still work a lot of hours, but my life is satisfyingly balanced.

I am spending a lot of time on the phone or driving to meet my cigar friend.  Notice I said driving, not actually spending time with her when I get there!    This is because many times the time spent in the car is equivalent to the time I actually end up hanging out with her!  It is just absurd.  But it is what I do.

Lots of things have happened.  My cigar friend and I have had “semi” fights.  We are not sure where we are in the relationship, not having had the talk about that, but we are mosing along.  There is a general compatibility foundation that exists, there’s no question about that.  We have some issues but we’re working through them (I hope!).

Every once in a while, I feel like life is a bit of deja vu.  Or, more appropriately, you get the feeling that someone knows you more than they are letting on.  Why would they do that I am not really sure.  It’s almost like my cigar friend knows me and my family.  Either that or the similarities in a few peculiar ways of our families is very uncanny.  It took her until about 10 days ago to mention to me that she and I know someone in common through another friend.  One of her really good friends’ sister is married to a person I know through my university’s alumni association.  I found it a bit weird she didn’t mention it before.  Was there something to hide?  Is she not telling me something else also?

On another topic – summer is here in Delhi.  It’s getting hot!  I moved the air conditioner from a room which we don’t use (it was supposed to be my office) to the living room.  Now, that room is very comfortable.  My house has two weather centers now, depending on where I am.  One room is cool and comfortable (not cold mind you, just perfect) and the rest of it is hot hot hot!  And I say depending on where I am because my mom is out of the country now.  She is visiting the UK and the US.  And she’ll be gone for a while!  So I’m all alone in the house.  It’s been a couple of days and so far so good.

I am not worried about being alone.  I can live by myself as long as I can interact with people in other ways.  In some ways, I even prefer being by myself.  This is partly because I tend to work a lot (for now, the hours are 15 to 16 hours per day quite a few times the last few weeks, but averaging around 10 to 14).  I also can keep myself occupied.

There are some issues I have to get reacquainted with though now that my mom is not here.  Namely: laundry, cooking, and cleaning.  I can do the laundry, that should not be a problem.  Cooking is a different issue though.  I’ve never really done it on a consistent basis.  It’s just eating out.  Being in India is simpler because I can order food and they’ll deliver it (Indian food that is, which is what I normally prefer to eat).  I can also order Domino’s or Pizza Hut.  The question is how long can I sustain it.  I’ve been making pasta recently.  I know, quite an accomplishment you say.  Trust me, it can be!  I’ve also been doing better at the snacks thing.

I’ve also been cleaning – well, the dishes so far!  No, in India, you don’t even need to do that.  I suspect in the next few weeks I will be domesticated!  I have to buy one of them squeegie brooms you can put in a bucket of water.  The girl who comes to clean in the mornings isn’t going to be coming.  I told my mom I can pull it off.

I make myself sound really bad, but I’m not so bad.  I do it if I have to or if someone else isn’t doing it.  When in the US, I did all this myself.  So I’m back to it again.

Going Too Fast May be Right

My cigar friend and I are spending increasingly more time together.  We went out on Friday to the club Capitol at Ashoka Hotel for a Bally Sagoo bhangra event.  We then watched a movie yesterday and hung out at Barista for coffee after that.  She says she wants to go slow.  I am now starting to agree.  Or maybe it’s just that we are taking it to a new level of talking and openness that it seems different.  Let’s see how it goes.

My cigar friend didn’t really enjoy Bally Sagoo though she said that is the kind of Punjabi music she listens to, if she listens to it at all.  I have to agree that the really traditional Punjabi music is foreign to me too.  This was a good example of opposites.  I totally loved it.  She wasn’t dancing much and she told me that the night was too much Punjabi music for her, the most she’s listened to ever in one sitting.  She also seemed to be really distracted towards Bally Sagoo on stage.  All of that was surprising and I need to sort of let that sink in a bit.

In conversations with her, she has opened up a little bit.  She is telling me more about things happening in her life, though for sure there is still the thinking of not saying anything until after the fact, as if I was going to go mess it up for her.  But I just sort of just let it go, it’s not that big a deal, especially since she’s showing signs of doing it less.  To me, it’s a matter of getting to know each other and building common ground and trust.  These are the small, day-to-day ways you do it, even more so than the “big” talks which are also important.

A couple of things struck me in the last few days of interactions that I also need to think about.  My friend is big about her brother but even more than that, he seems to come up in the weirdest of conversations, talks where you would not want to invoke the thought of one’s brother.  He’s 4-5 years younger than she is.  It’s not unusual for Indian women to talk extensively about their brothers.  There is a huge focus on them.  My sister probably did it/does it too.  I, for one, don’t particularly like it.  I’ve told my family I don’t want that much focus on me.  It’s one key reason I distance myself from them because they don’t seem to listen.  It’s quite annoying.  I understand where they are coming from.  I just don’t want that kind of attention.  It usually leads to people giving me more shit than I need or desire.

My cigar friend is no different in this regard.  But like I said, it’s not the amount of time he comes up, but really it’s the unusual times when he does come up.   It’s one of those things that comes with getting married so I guess I have to learn to deal with it.

These are issues to think about – do we have similar enough interests and ways to have a good time.  It’s also important to think how frequently you’ll be bhangra-ing and to only focus on it to the extent that it will happen.  After all, you’ll only be dancing at weddings and things you may go to in the future.  We enjoy watching movies and that’s a much more frequent occurance.

One other issue, which I have mentioned before, is the level of general criticism directed towards me.  She doesn’t seem to say anything directly but she seems to imply a lot of things.  I am not this.  Or, I am too much this.  It’s not something I am taking to too well but I have also tried to just let it be.  Maybe it’s something that happens when people are getting to know each other.  I am not like that but that doesn’t mean others aren’t.  Maybe it will slow down.  The fear though is that it won’t and if it doesn’t it may become suffocating, which of course is not good.  Tied to this is the level of comparisons she makes – i.e., I get this feeling she is comparing me to other people she knows.   I am discounting this because again, I think it may be normal when you are getting to know someone.  But on the other hand, if it continues and this is how she is all the time, it’s not going to be good.

A completely unrelated issue is this topic of bathing.  I like to shower every morning.  My cigar friend lives in a house that has problems with water being supplied.  I don’t think she showers every day (so not good!).  The issue though is, and one I don’t quite know how to bring up to her, that I don’t think my cigar friend uses deodorant.  It’s been an “issue” a couple of times now, including on Friday night, but I haven’t really said anything or even hinted at it.  I’m going to have to find a way to address it though.