Options, Options, and More Options! Give Me Fewer, Will Ya?

Capitalism at its best.  Competition.  Choices for consumers.  From trivial decisions to those with serious consequences, we have lots of options to choose from.  Is that good?

Generally speaking, I have appreciated freedom of choice.  I applied to many colleges and was afforded the opportunity to choose where I wanted to go.  I applied for many jobs and had the fortune of choosing where I wanted to work.  I bought a car after carefully researching my options.  I chose which city and apartment complex to live in.  It has generally been a good thing.

Then there is choice of which country to live in.  And therein comes a problem.  I have one too many options.  I can live in the United States where I migrated as a teenager.  I can quite easily live in India where I was born.  It’s not a simple question, of course, and has immediate, medium term and long term benefits and consequences.  There are pros and cons of each choice.  More than the practical issues of day-to-day living and working, there is something deeper.  Where do I truly fit in?  Where will I be happy?

As a 1.5GI this is a major conundrum for me.  I can go on with the routine in my life in any country really.  But I feel torn, deeply torn.  I love the option of taking the best that the United States has to offer – work and pleasure.  There are so many events to attend, professionally and personally, so much to learn, so much to accomplish.  Professional opportunities are tremendous.  The US is great at innovative and cutting-edge ideas. 

But things are lacking also.  I have friends but the connections seem threadbare.  This is nothing new, we have heard it before.  The US is a great country to earn in but may not be a great country to live in (for those who have experienced living in India).

I also love the option of living in India with it’s less stressful and, what I perceive as, a more complete life.  Majority of my family is here (which, again, has its pros and cons).  I am not bothered by the pollution or the bad traffic or the corruption.  It is a nuisance, don’t get me wrong, if it wasn’t here it’s not like I would miss it.  But the point is it is not a big stumbling block for me.  I am not bothered by those kinds of things.  The pros of India outweigh the negative.  At least most of the time.

This post is along the line of my last post, the theme is the same.  I know part of the issue leading to my heart being torn is just me, the person I am.  It is not all a result of being 1.5GI.  On the other hand, if I was a first generation immigrant to the United States, chances are slim that I would think of returning to India.  Most of my 1GI friends don’t think of returning here.  The US would still be too new to me.  India would be too familiar. 

If I was 2GI, chances are even slimmer that I could live for any extended period of time in India.  Even if I came here for a year or two for a job or a fellowship, I probably would with the knowledge that I was returning to the US eventually.  That itself would make my time here more tolerable.  The negatives of India may grain on me in that time but I would always know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

So where does that leave me?  Too many damn options is where!  Some will say that it’s simple – make a list of pros and cons and stick with it.  If you are focusing on your career, where are the opportunities for your specific case?  If you are prioritizing, whether by choice or by requirement, family needs, then what options do you have?  This is all true.  I can do this.  I probably should do this.  But the question remains – why should I need to do this?

Blessed by Extremism, Cursed by Moderation

Blessed by extremism, cursed by moderation.  Doesn’t that sound counter-intuitive? 

Contemporary thinking in almost all aspects of life is that extremes are a bad thing.  When you think of extremism you think of fanaticism and obsessiveness.  Extreme religious fundamentalists come to mind.  Suicide attacks on innocent people.  At our daily life level, alcohol and drug abusers are extremists.  Their behavior is harmful for them and the people in their lives.  People who work too many hours neglect family and friends and the sense of balance they themselves need.  Even in our dietary habits, too much of any one kind of food is not good.  Most people would agree moderation is the way to go!  I generally agree too.

Could there be an exception?  People who are 1.5GIs are the exception.  I don’t think being 1.5GI is a good thing.  I acknowledge it may appear from the outside to be a great thing.  You can speak the language of your native country, always a big issue in the South Asian community.  You are more “Indian” or you seem to be.  You adapt to the new country, you do not have an accent, you understand the systems, attitudes and behaviors and are therefore “American” also.  You straddle both cultures.  People may even wish they were 1.5GI.

Being 1.5GI is like the middle way in the immigration and assimilation spectrum.  By definition, you are neither 1GI nor 2GI.  That should be a good thing, right?  Why would someone not want to fit in in both cultures?  If I could have chosen it, I would much rather be 1GI or 2GI.  Being a moderate, 1.5GI, would not have been my choice.  Why?

When it comes to roots and the feelings that emanate from having clear roots, I want to be an extremist.  I don’t like being in no-mans land.  Neither do I fully fit into the South Asian culture of most of my peers in the US nor do I fit in with the prevalent thinking of people in India.  I was not a FOB and I was not an ABCD.  I was a little of both.

As with almost anything this complicated, there are many factors that go into this feeling of not fitting in either country completely, only fitting in partially anywhere you are.  It could be my personal situation and my own early adulthood experiences.  It could be my personality or the circumstances of my parents’ immigration.  If I had adopted more of the American culture, I may not feel like this.  When my friends were listening to rap music and following the African American culture in college in the manner and to the extent South Asians did and have, maybe I should have done that too.  There was no way for me to go back and re-learn or experience the 1GI life, so that’s not even an option.  But I could have become more 2GI.

Or could I?  Did being 1.5GI mean I could not have been 2GI?  Of course, there are degrees to assimilation.  But really are 1.5GI and 2GI mutually exclusive?  There is overlap, but could I have been different and adopted more of the American culture where the overlap would have been greater?

Is this just my story?  Am I in no-mans land because of who I am, because of my family, because the way I was raised?  I am not that self-centered to think I am the only person to experience this in the world.  I know this is common, but how common?  How many 1.5GIs are there?  Do they all feel this way?  Have sociologists studied the phenomenon of 1.5Generation Indians in the US to the extent they can give me some answers?

But even if someone can give me answers, it would be an exercise in mentally understanding why I feel the way I do.  Would it erase the fact that I don’t completely, and completely is the operative word here, fit in anywhere?  If I could have chosen, I would have chosen being an extremist.  I would not have chosen being a 1.5GI.

What’s in a Name?

Why do (some) Indian people pay so much attention to the name of a person?  Does the meaning of your name really influence your life?

In my experience, as with other issues, reactions to one’s name are based on generation.  First generation Indians put more emphasis on the meaning of your name.  Second generation Indians tend not to care.

1G people grew up believing the name matters.  They understand the etymology of the name.  They understand the Hindi definition of the term.  2G people may not know that a name is supposed to matter.  Of course, if they don’t know it’s supposed to matter, whether they know the Hindi translation or not is immaterial.  It makes no difference to them.  For 2GIs, it’s a point of discussion for the sake of trivia.  It’s more akin to being a good conversationalist.  It doesn’t have any deeper significance besides the fact that it’s an Indian name and an Indian person they’re dealing with.

How does the meaning of a name matter to 1Gs?  Although I cannot say this with any scientific proof, since these are unverified observations, conversations have shown me that 1G people actually believe that the meaning of your name is who you are as a person.  They really take it to heart. 

As an extension, I have come across situations where people act towards you in a manner consistent with the definition of your name.  Like many things in Indian culture and behavior, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  They think you are supposed to be a certain way and so they start treating you like that and hence the belief becomes reality.  For good or for bad.  Your name becomes who you are!

I have seen 1GIs behave differently with me when I tell them my name.  It is an immediate reaction, sometimes positive and sometimes not.  In fact, at times they want to change it.  They give me a nickname or use my initials.  They don’t want to use my name and be reminded of the meaning – they don’t want to be influenced by it!  Could it be that it is a sign of friendship to use a nickname?  Sure, it can, and I know when it is.  Most of the time it’s not.  It’s completely absurd to me!

When I talk to my 2GI friends, it is insignificant.  They tend to accept it and not think twice.  They may also find nicknames for me but their reasoning for doing so are very different.  They do it because that’s what friends do.  How do I know that is why they are doing it?  Because they don’t give me a nickname until much later – when we have become closer – just like a good friend would do.  2GIs may also morph my name, but again, it is in a positive way.  Some friends who are 2GI and use a slang language to talk (many South Asians use a modified African-American dialect), they fit my name within that slang.  Gautam becomes “what’s up G?”!

2GIs use your name only as a tag to call you by or to signify closeness if a nickname is used.  1GIs may do so also but are much more likely to be affected by the meaning of your name.