Gandhi, My Father

It is amazing how coincidences happen in life.  What was that theory - the flapping of a butterfly’s wings that can change something far far away?

After I wrote my last post, I went to return a rented movie.  I saw “Gandhi, My Father” hanging tied on a rope of movies and I thought to rent it.  As I watched the first 30 minutes, I was struck by Harilal Gandhi’s situation.  To sum it up, he wanted to go study and become an attorney.  His father, at the beginning of his freedom fighting for India, had other plans for his son.  The end result was that Harilal felt restricted by his father and his family commitments and rebelled.  In one scene, he tells his wife and then the neighborhood that he is the son of Gandhi who is a failure.  He says he wants freedom from the pressure of being Gandhi’s son.

Harilal’s life never amounted to much.  He started drinking and his wife left him.  He became homeless.  He converted to Muslim only to re-convert to Hinduism later.  The film, produced by Anil Kapoor’s company, shows him as struggling throughout his life, flailing from one thing to another.

Now, my story may not be quite the same but there are a few themes that stand out as frighteningly similar.  The main theme is that he wanted to study and work.  The requirements of his father (in my case my family) did not allow him to do so.

The thing that is scary for me is the thought that that could be me!  I could become Harilal.  If I don’t focus on laying out a life plan that encompasses professional and career goals, I may go on that same path of self-destruction.  I need to absolve myself of financial responsibilities to my family so I can for the first time focus on my own life.

I have to also add that I feel guilty even thinking that I should focus on myself when I continue to have family responsibilities.  I have gone back and forth on that for over a month now.  Yet, I know I need to and should.  It is not just so I can come back to take care of my family but also because I have a responsibility to my own self as well.  If I had not fulfilled my duties or if I was simply selfish, which I know I am not, that would be a different matter.  I don’t think anyone can tell me I have not done for my family at the cost of myself.  So why do I continue to feel guilty?

Another Year Older

Why do we celebrate birthdays?  The mere reason that I am asking this question should tell you a lot.  I’m not happy about turning yet another year older.

As I see it, we celebrate birthdays because of two main reasons:

1. We were born and, presumably, made our parents and family happy.
2. We have continued progressing in life.  We have finished school, completed another year at work, started a business, gotten married, bought a house, and taken care of the family.  We have built great friendships and cultivated family relationships.

Now, what if neither of these is true?  What if only one of the reasons is true?  Bottom line, what if there is nothing to celebrate?  At the extreme, what if you wished you weren’t born?  (I’m not at that extreme right now, just so you know.  I’m also generally glass is half-full kind of guy.  I’m also a fighter, even if admittedly my fighting spirits need a push these days.)

Over the past few months, and certainly the month of June, I have been re-evaluating my life, something I have not done in this manner in many years, if ever before.  The main focus of it has been along the lines of “What have I accomplished thus far?  What do I have to show for all these years on this planet?”

The answers to those questions are mixed.  On the one hand, I’ve done a good deal for my family, which is not a small thing to itself.  I’ve helped my brother whenever he has needed it.  I have paid for the livelihood of my mother and sister in India.  My sister got married earlier this year and I not only put in the time for it, I also paid for it.  Not a single penny was borrowed.  I have constantly sacrificed my own living and work situation because I always knew my brother or mother needed my financial assistance.  I have sacrificed in the choices and decisions I would have made if I didn’t have these commitments.

Yes, it may seem like a lot and maybe it is.  I wish I could have done more for my family.  It’s not as if they lived a carefree life because of my assistance.  But it’s okay, it is acceptable. 

However, in an evaluation of my life at this stage, it’s not nearly enough.

The recurring and increasingly bothersome thought over the past month has been - “What have I to show for all of these years?”  Do I have a business that is succeeding and will remain for years to come?  No.  Although we did relatively well, I am about to exit out of my business.  At a personal level, have I gotten married?  No.  I’m not even close in this regard.  Did I buy a house while in the US?  I came close twice, even put down deposits, then withdrew.  So no, I’m not there on that one either.  Did I get an MBA that I so much had my heart set on?  No.  Do I have great relationships with my family?  I stay away from my extended family and in some cases even closer family.  They’ve been part of the problem.  Do I have terrific friends?  I have a few good friends but it’s certainly not what it could be.

So to sum it up – I don’t have a stellar career.  I am not married and am not in a relationship that would lead to marriage.  I do not own a home.  I did a Bachelor’s degree and nothing further.  I have stayed away from family.  I have kept a distance from friends.  Really, what do I have to show for my life?  What is there to celebrate as another birthday comes and goes? 

I’m re-evaluating my life at thirtysomething and it’s largely unaccomplished in the standard measurement criteria.  I have never been frightened by this thought until recently.  What if my life continues in this way and I am a failure?  I have not nearly given up, as I said I am a fighter.  But, yes, I am feeling a fear I have never felt before.

Dating in Delhi

So you think it’s easy to find a date in New Delhi as a newcomer to town?  If you don’t have many connections, the odds are not in your favor.

Delhi has a culture where it’s tough to break into a circle.  It’s more so than other cities I have lived in with the exception of Los Angeles.  It’s very similar to LA actually (in yet another way, if you’re read my previous post on Delhi vs Bombay).  If you went to a bar or a lounge with a friend or two, you cannot walk up to a girl and introduce yourself.  She will most certainly not be open to the introduction.  If she’s with guys, whether they are friends, a romantically involved partner, or co-workers, they will come to her defense assuming your intentions are not sincere.

If you are not with other friends, especially girl friends, you shouldn’t even take the risk.  If a guy from her group doesn’t stop you, there is a good possibility a stranger watching you talk to her will.  He’ll walk up to you and say something like “she’s with me”, even though you clearly know she’s not.  The two of them haven’t talked the whole night.  You know because you were paying attention.  You know because it happened to you.

So how are you to meet someone?  Family introductions?  Friends of friends?  What if you don’t have family in town?  What if they have a social circle very different than what you’re looking for?  What if you don’t have many friends?  Well, you’re basically SOL.

Or, if you’re like me, you start up a meetup group.  If a way to meet people doesn’t exist, you create a way.  There has to be other people in the same position as you.  Even if your fellow Delhites have lived here since birth and know half the city, they may still be single and looking.  So how do you go about creating a way?  See my next post….

The Epic Battle: Delhi versus Bombay

Ah, the classic question, Delhi vs Mumbai.  Where would I feel at home?

Delhi is crass, show-offish, conservative, extreme.  It’s “Page 3!”  Mumbai, formerly known as Bombay and what I will continue to refer to it as (since I am 1.5 GI!), is a city that is very accepting, liberal, down-to-earth, practical yet always on-the-go.  In Delhi, people are always in your business.  In Bombay, you could go months without seeing a close relative living not all that far away.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Delhi/Delhi_Crass_or_class/articleshow/3152840.cms

Where do I want to live?  As I have known for the last five years, Delhi is not the city that naturally jives with me.  Yet, I am here.  Why?  My mother’s closest sister is here and she likes being with them.  That is why.  She says she will move in one breath and then in another she says she loves it here.

Delhi is the same as Southern California (Los Angeles, Orange County, etc), which, be sure, is very different than Northern California.  It has the LA Hollywood affect.  Who are you with?  Name-dropping.  What car do you drive?  Is it the latest?  What branded clothes are you wearing?  Genuine or a knock-off?  Where do you live?  Address-consciousness.  It’s an obsession with the superficial.  It’s hung up with “status”.  It’s also just not me!

Bombay is like the Bay Area (ie, San Francisco, Silicon Valley, San Jose, Berkeley, Oakland, etc).  Boston is very similar to these cities also.  They are chilled out, down-to-earth.  It’s “do what you want when you want, I won’t get in your way, I have plenty to do myself”.  It’s about the intellectual, it’s about the business.  It’s about caring from a distance.  It’s having fun but in an unpretentious way.  It’s about the “real” or so it seems.  It’s also all very much me or so I think.

Having said all that, let me also say that I do like the “city life” that all these locations have to offer.  I want to live within a reasonable driving distance of it and would miss it if I wasn’t able to enjoy it.  Just like everyone else, there is a part of me that likes getting out.  The issue is not that.  The issue is the way all this is packaged and delivered.  Most cities offer much the same kinds of activities.  But each also has it’s own culture, it’s own environment, it’s own way of delivering these amenities.  And that makes all the difference.  It’s in the vibes of the city, of the people!

I can probably live in Delhi or LA if I really had to.  I also know I would always feel a little out of sync, out of place, and unbalanced if I did.  The culture of the cities would grind on me like a mosquito hovering around you.  Slightly bothersome always.  Very irritating sometimes.  But it’s also something I can (try to) brush aside.  Really, can I?

The Rage in Placid Lake

So I saw The Rage in Placid Lake with Jordan Brooking and Rose Byrne today. Wow, what a movie! It’s not a chartbuster kind of “wow”. It hit home because it’s a story of two best friends, since childhood, a guy and a girl. The movie starts with Gemma coming to the rescue of Placid when three male kids are beating him up. She beats the bullies up instead and the two of them become friends. As children, she is therefore a protector. You can see after they have grown older that the relationship is equal. They have a great give-and-take, just as a relationship between two best friends should be.

Why is the movie interesting to me? It very much reminded me of my own “best friend” relationship.  As we went through high school and college, we became best friends. She and I, let’s name her Priyanka, had the kind of friendship that Placid and Gemma have in the movie.

Placid and Gemma are constantly throwing witty, and sometimes sarcastic, comments at each other. They banter back and forth about each other’s lives but with each focused on helping the other by giving their opinion and feedback, even during arguments. There is genuine care. In fact, their arguments are enveloped with care (and sweetness) rather than hostility. They are the only ones each confides in. They know everything about each other. It’s how it was with my best friend also.