Gandhi, My Father

It is amazing how coincidences happen in life.  What was that theory - the flapping of a butterfly’s wings that can change something far far away?

After I wrote my last post, I went to return a rented movie.  I saw “Gandhi, My Father” hanging tied on a rope of movies and I thought to rent it.  As I watched the first 30 minutes, I was struck by Harilal Gandhi’s situation.  To sum it up, he wanted to go study and become an attorney.  His father, at the beginning of his freedom fighting for India, had other plans for his son.  The end result was that Harilal felt restricted by his father and his family commitments and rebelled.  In one scene, he tells his wife and then the neighborhood that he is the son of Gandhi who is a failure.  He says he wants freedom from the pressure of being Gandhi’s son.

Harilal’s life never amounted to much.  He started drinking and his wife left him.  He became homeless.  He converted to Muslim only to re-convert to Hinduism later.  The film, produced by Anil Kapoor’s company, shows him as struggling throughout his life, flailing from one thing to another.

Now, my story may not be quite the same but there are a few themes that stand out as frighteningly similar.  The main theme is that he wanted to study and work.  The requirements of his father (in my case my family) did not allow him to do so.

The thing that is scary for me is the thought that that could be me!  I could become Harilal.  If I don’t focus on laying out a life plan that encompasses professional and career goals, I may go on that same path of self-destruction.  I need to absolve myself of financial responsibilities to my family so I can for the first time focus on my own life.

I have to also add that I feel guilty even thinking that I should focus on myself when I continue to have family responsibilities.  I have gone back and forth on that for over a month now.  Yet, I know I need to and should.  It is not just so I can come back to take care of my family but also because I have a responsibility to my own self as well.  If I had not fulfilled my duties or if I was simply selfish, which I know I am not, that would be a different matter.  I don’t think anyone can tell me I have not done for my family at the cost of myself.  So why do I continue to feel guilty?