The Fatal Flaw, Compromising, and Love

I am reading a book that mentions a term, the “Fatal Flaw”, that I quite liked.  It made me think of a recent development in my life and I wanted to incorporate the term.  The problem is that it doesn’t fully apply.  But because I liked the term, I’m going to use it anyway.

I run into a Fatal Flaw when it comes to finding love.  Actually, it’s more than one flaw.  There are many!  (Yes, I am screwed up, but that’s not where I’m going with this.  I’m leading up to a specific point, so read on….)  These flaws, or issues, keep recurring in my love life.  Is it time I compromised on them?

The most recent situation where a flaw has come up has to do with the Parsi woman I’m talking with.  I’m vegeterian.  She’s not.  Fatal Flaw.  She’s not only non-vegeterian, she’s a total foodie.  She throws house parties where she cooks and invites friends.  It is not only therapeutic for her, it’s what she’s known for as she told me.  We ran into this problem last night in our conversations.  We ran into it before but it didn’t seem like a big deal.  Or more accurately, it was an issue that we didn’t explore, but conveniently let slide in light of other great conversation we were having.

So now what do I/we do?  We do get along well.  It’s been a very short time, just two weeks if that, but we gel well up to as much as can be imagined so far.  Of course, ups and downs happen but there seems to be a soft edge to how we handle each other’s feelings and issues.  We address them, but in the way that I would like to address them with my spouse.  She and I are compatible in that way (a big thing!).

There are other flaws as well besides being vegeterian.  There is the issue of how much Indian or Western one is.  This goes back to the whole 1.5 Generation Indian blog’s premise.  This multi-heritage issue seems to come into my life on a daily basis, on small and big things.  It has come into my love life yet again.  There is the issue of where to live.  In her and my case, is it India, the UK or the US?  I’ve got my contacts in the US.  She’s just gotten established in her job in the UK.  There are other fatal flaws, but I can’t think of them right now.

So, the question now arises, which it does all the time – what do I do about this fatal flaw of vegeterianism?  Do I compromise?  If so, how?  The typical scenarios fellow vegeterians run into has to do with whether it’s okay for her/him (i.e., the other half) to maintain being non-veg, whether it’s okay to cook at home, and whether it’s okay to use the same utensils in cooking.  Some are even so strict as to have a problem with eating at a restaurant that cooks non-veg.  For me, the same utensils thing is kind of silly really.  I’m not that fanatical about being vegeterian.  You have to be practical too.  The issue of eating in a restaurant that cooks non-veg is also not an issue for me.  I’ve done it millions of times.   Her consuming non-veg and it being cooked in the house are a slightly bigger issue for me.  How big?  I don’t know.  I’ve never reached a solid decision on it.

This Parsi woman has hinted she’d be willing to “convert” without me bringing it up or her using the word.  She ran into this problem with her ex-boyfriend apparently.  So it’s not new to her.  But being big on cooking and feeding people, it is no doubt a big issue for her.  Even if she converts for me, is that really right, morally/ethically as well as practically.  Morally/Ethically, is it right for me to ask her or let her convert?  Practically, if I do go along with this conversion, how much of her will be compromised?  It’s a big part of her.  Clearly, it will affect her.  She says there are ways to work around things.  Is this one of those things that can be worked around?  And, just as importantly, at what cost?  Will she resent me for it?

The issue is also if I can convert to being non-veg.  I know many people who were vegeterian at some point in their life, converted, and re-converted.  They started in one place and went back and forth.  I’ve not been one of those people though.  I’ve never had any non-veg food in my life with one very notable and funny time.  I was at Taco Bell, hungry as heck, ordered a bean burritto, got it, dug into it, and realized it was a beef burritto.  My stomach curled, I had a bad taste in my mouth, and I was vomitting it up, even though I had nothing in my stomach and I had only eaten a bite.  It was a strong reaction.  My body just wasn’t used to it.  Of course, I suppose I could get used to it.  But that’s the next question.  Should I get use to it?

This leads to the question, why am I vegeterian to begin with?  I’m veg because of my religion.  I’m not a big religious dude in many ways.  I’m much more spiritual and care about doing the right thing than following rituals (mostly because I’ve lived without family and in the US, I didn’t know enough rituals to do them on my own, and no one really around me who would keep it going.  I would have probably just gone along if someone was doing it and in the few situations where I was surrounded by people who were my religion, I did go along with it).  The religious reason has to do with the issue of life and living beings.  Vegeterians are so because they don’t want to kill animals by and large.  In my case, it’s indoctrinated in my religion.

So, even though I’m not that religious, the thing is that my family is all vegeterian too.  At a practical level, this is an issue.  My mom would have a problem with it.  While that is a criteria, I have to also admit that I would go ahead with it if this girl is right for me and my mom wouldn’t be too happy about her being non-veg.  There are many reasons for this, including my age (and her age, she’s looking to get hooked up too).  It’s not easy to find someone who you seem to connect with in the right way – same communication style, values (which is a very ambiguous term for me and I never understand when people say they’re looking for people with the same values), behaviors, and interests.  Our personalities are similar and complementary/supplementary, as far as I know now.  Other things will come up and more is to be discovered.  I am cognizant that this assessment is based on two weeks of phone conversations.  It’s based on Orkut pictures and comments.  It’s based on things she’s told me.  And it’s based on my own general sense of her.  But, it is only two weeks and it is only over the phone.  I know that.

I’ve thought about contacting some of my veg friends to see how they handle the situation.  I know a couple of them who dated people who were non-veg.  In some cases, they’ve even gotten married to people who were non-veg.  How do they deal with it?

Where to now?  How do I compromise on this fatal flaw?  Is that what I need to do for love?  If so, how exactly would it work?  On the other hand, will she compromise?  How?  At what cost?  How do we find a middle ground on this so we can move forward?