Something is Off

Do you get those nagging feelings every once in a while that something just doesn’t seem right?  I’m referring to people in your life and your relationships with them.

Ever since I came back from my trip to Kerala, I can’t seem to get rid of this idea that something funny, even fishy, is happening.  I have some inkling of what is making me think this and I’m going to test out a couple of theories by digging around a bit to see if I can figure out what’s going on.  Time for sleuthing!

The NY Times Wedding Celebrations

I go to The New York Times’ wedding celebrations page every week.  Well, I used to.  I haven’t gone in a couple of months I would say.  I had thought about that the other day but still didn’t make it over.  The idea hit me again yesterday but I didn’t make it then either.  This (early) morning, I finally did!

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/08/fashion/weddings/08VOWS.html?_r=1

I like checking out the videos but also like reading the stories.  The one above is pretty cool so I have put the link for you all to check out!  Hope you enjoy!

Tonight was an interesting night.  I was to go to watch a play at the India Habitat Center.  It was a Shakespeare play called Measure 4 Measure.  My cigar friend (okay, I have no better name for her right now so this will have to do because that’s how I met her) was supposed to come down too.  Except she didn’t make it!

It started at 7:30 PM and I had gotten there at 6:30.  I figured I would sit and read a book in the garden outside so I got there early.  I called my friend around 7pm and her phone was off.  I found that to be weird and immediately thought maybe she was blowing me off.  She didn’t seem like the kind of person who’d blow you off, so that was a bit weird.  I thought perhaps her phone was discharged or something else happened.  I texted her to let her know I was waiting outside the American Diner so she could find me.

Unfortunately, time kept on going by and she still hadn’t made it.  A few additional attempts to call didn’t go through.  I was in a bit of a quandry – do I go in and sit by myself?  Is she really blowing me off?  Around 7:40 PM I went to our seats because the show was about to start.  Throughout the hour or so I was watching, I couldn’t help but think what had happened to my friend.  I eventually gave up on the show and went to the American Diner, figuring I’d sit there, eat something, read my book (I just finished The Kite Runner tonight – I know, I haven’t written about this yet), and then go home.

About 30 minutes later, someone pokes me from behind and it turns out to be my cigar friend.  I had thought if she was going to come down, she’d have been there by now.  I had more so figured she’d call me tomorrow and tell me something had happened, either as truth or as making up an excuse.  So I was a bit surprised to see her there.  I was glad she made it!

Turns out she had fallen walking in the afternoon and had broken her cell phone.  It’s always something like that, isn’t it?  We decided to sit outside for a bit (I was at the bar in the restaurant because I was having a beer and you can’t have alcohol outside).  As has been the case in the many many times I’ve talked to her on the phone, the conversation was pretty easy, simple, and comfortable.  She reminds me of a couple of my friends in the States in that way.  It’s not this effortless with everyone, so I’m quite liking it.

I tried calling her on the way back to make sure she made it home okay, totally dumbing the fact that her phone wasn’t working!!!  I had offered to follow her home since it was 11:30 PM when we were leaving.  She took me up on that until the main Ring Road but then went on her way.  I had wanted to make sure she got in okay so I sent her an email asking if she made it home.  That’s when the thought hit me of how easy it was talking to her.  So I sent her a second message conveying that and asking for a reply (via the … to end a message).  Too bad, she wasn’t online as I had thought she might be.

A bit about the India Habitat Center: it’s a major cultural hub in South Delhi.  You get all kinds of plays, exhibitions, and other events happening there.  There are also a couple of nice restaurants to hang out at, including the American Diner.  This place is similar to the ’50s style diner with the red color seats and juke boxes (although I don’t think there were juke boxes on each table).  Nice hangout.

He’s Just Not That Into You

I saw the new Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You”.  It seems like I should call it like that, a “Ben and Jen” thing, but really I’ve never been a big fan of Jennifer or Ben.  It’s not that I dislike either of them, they’re both okay, but I think they’re just too hyped up.  I’ve always liked Drew Barrymore, though, who’s also in the movie.  That girl is just right.

A friend and I caught the evening show.  I met her in late 2007 online.  She was managing a group having to do with cigars.  It’s funny how we didn’t end up meeting until fall of last year sometime and that too for a couple of minutes as she and I were both finishing off the night at clubs that happened to be right across from each other.  We finally met up on Valentine’s a week ago.  She and a few friends were going out and she invited me to come hang out.

The movie deals with reading and misreading signals and signs as young people meet and date.  It also has to do with love and not finding Mr. Right or Ms. Right and dating lessons.  The movie was really from a girl’s perspective, i.e., what does a girl go through when she’s dating.  It was not from the perspective of the thoughts and actions men go through when they meet someone.  So I can’t really do comparisons of myself to scenes from the movie.  Thank God for that! 

As I watched the movie, I was reminded of why I am single.  My problem is twofold.  First, I don’t act as directly as maybe I should when it comes to initiating dating.  Up to now, all women that I’ve had any kind of relationships with, it’s been them initiating it.  The reason for this has to do with the fact that I was just way too focused on ”responsibilities” to even think about dating.  I just wasn’t looking to get into a relationship.  If it fell in my lap, fine, but I wasn’t doing much active searching.

Second, when I was preoccupied with “life”, I missed opportunities when women showed interest because I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship.  I can now see the signals for a couple of the expressed interests I didn’t respond to earlier.  Others, I probably am still not aware of them.  The ones where something did happen was when women were very direct and I couldn’t miss it.

That was then.  Today, I am looking to date.  The problem is still that I don’t make a very direct move if I am interested in a woman.  It’s funny how one person can be so different in different areas of their life.  I’m not shy at work or professional realm but can be very shy in the beginning stages of dating.  Actually, I don’t really know all the rules of dating because I just do what I feel is right at the time, I don’t really follow these cookie cutter rule books that some of my friends do.  I go very slow and am way too subtle, so subtle that the woman may not even get it that I am testing the waters.  I guess I test the waters too gently.  This is definitely not good.  It’s not a fear of rejection as much as the thought that I am imposing on someone something they may not want.  I know they may not necessarily think of it that way, it really depends on the person.  I guess I don’t like doing that with people I barely know (in fact, I think I’m not as free with people as I used to be.  I think I can now only be free with my significant other.)  I know this approach is not going to get me anywhere in dating!

On the other hand, I’ve learned that I respond to flirtation quite well!  When women do the touching of your arm or the many other ways they can flirt, that stuff can get me started.  Yes, sir, continuous flirting activity does get a response from me!  I then will take small steps.  At that point, if the woman is really interested, she’ll also respond positively, and something will start.  When I’m in a relationship, I’m fine.

Going back to my friend who I went to see the movie with, I wonder if she’s interested in me.  I don’t think she is because I’ve asked her quite a few times over the past year that we should hang out and we’ve never done that.  Well, until now.  Obviously, there must be some reason for that.  The most likely reason is that she’s figured out we are just friends and nothing more is even a possibility.  I wonder if anything’s changed on that since now she’s interested in hanging out.  Since I don’t have any reason to think it has, I don’t want to be presumptious either.  I think I wouldn’t mind getting to know her beyond friendship.  She’s a cool girl and we gel well whenever we talk.  But that’s putting the cart before the horse.

I guess we can let this topic be for now and revisit it later if there’s a reason to.  I like hanging out with this girl and am okay with doing just that.  If there’s some reason to think a relationship is in the offing, I’ll take it a step at a time.

It’s All About Dhanda

As I have talked about before, each city has its own personality.  Mumbai or Bombay is associated with ”dhanda”. 

What exactly does dhanda mean?  Let me first define it.  Dhanda means to do business.  It can have a negative connotation depending on the context but generally means someone who’s really about just working.  This doesn’t mean they are in business for themselves, i.e., as entrepreneurs or small business owners.  It can also mean that they work for someone else but much of their time and energy goes into conducting business.

Mumbai is a city known for dhanda.  I am a guy who’s also focused on dhanda.  Truth be told, I am less focused on it in the last 2-3 years than I was for the decade after my father’s death.  For years, circumstances had made me very business focused – or, to be even more precise, income-generating focused.

Life was serious and I was serious.  Life is better now, more peaceful, more relaxed.  I am making okay money, not as much as I would ideally like to plateau at, but it’s okay.  I didn’t realize how much difference it made after my sister got married.  Monthly costs have gone down dramatically.

I have noticed, though, that I am still anxious.  It’s a constant thing with me and has been for a very long time.  I have also known what it will take to remove some of that.  It will get better as a couple of goals I have long-held become reality.  I’ve been taking steps towards that, as I have indicated before.  While the constant worry is still there, it is much better than before.  Seriously better!

Stress is a part of life.  There are different types of stress, of course.  I feel a bit liberated in the sense that now I can start to build savings towards my own goals.  I know once a couple major ones are met, my anxiousness and worry level will go down tremendously.

I’ve been all about dhanda for a long time.  I even forgot what it was like to not be like that.  It feels like I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Wowz!

Reporting Driving Accidents in India

I was coming back from hanging out in Saket for Valentine’s night when I saw a man lying on the Ring Road highway! 

Because it was dark and the highway was not properly lighted, I only saw the shadow of a man and couldn’t be sure there was actually someone there.  I was on the phone (Blue Tooth) with a friend and we were just talking about hit and runs and traffic accidents and road rage in Delhi.  I had just finished agreeing with her that it is best not to take matters into your own hand – i.e., in India, especially Delhi, you should not stop your car if you see someone in need.  Chances are, you will be blamed for the accident.  If a crowd develops, you could be hit and beaten.  If the cops get there, they will question you!  Being a good samaritan has generally not been a good idea.

A few minutes later, I saw this man and my gut reaction kicked in.  I pulled over to the left and then immediately reversed my car.  There were three people standing on the two-feet high sidewalk.  One was a man in his 40s.  There was a young girl, in her late 20s.  And there was someone else.  I immediately yelled at the man, in Hindi, why he wasn’t helping the guy!

He and I both ran to the middle of the road and looked at the man.  I saw he was breathing.  He had blood coming from his mouth and from his head.  It looked like a leg may have been broken but I couldn’t tell because it could have just been his pants giving it that look.  The main thing was that he was breathing.  By this time, 3-4 other guys had stopped.

I asked if there was a hospital nearby, thinking I would put the man in the car and take him there.  No one seemed to know and I think one guy even said there wasn’t any.  I didn’t know what someone is supposed to do to get help so I asked the man I had initially talked to to call someone.  It turns out you dial 102 to get the ambulance and 100 to get the police, the equivalent of 911 in the States.  The man called 100 and reported that the ambulance will be there in 2-3 minutes.  A couple of others had stopped and one guy said there was no ambulance going to arrive unless you called the police.  He said we had to call 100, not 102.  A few minutes of random discussion and I dialed 100, told the lady where I was on the Ring Road, and she said she was dispatching a cop. 

Right around that time, I saw an ambulance come.  It was relief that indeed it did arrive and not hours later, but very quickly.  I was a bit surprised but not so much either.  The guys who got off the ambulance did not look like they were professionals at all.  One guy had an unclean beard.  They were not dressed in any kind of uniform.  I asked loudly, almost giving directions, if they had a stretcher.  Immediately they got it, as if I had to ask for it for them to take action instead of them doing it themselves.  If they were going to check the guy first, then they should have done that and not let me stop their procedure.  Regardless, the main thing is they arrived on time, there was a stretcher, they put him in the vehicle, and took him to the hospital.

I even thought of giving the ambulance driver Rs. 1000 or Rs. 1500 towards the care of the man.  I didn’t know how much it would cost, but clearly more than that.  It was going to be something that perhaps got him admitted was what I was thinking.  Then I thought that it would never get to the hospital, the driver guys would just keep it.  So I didn’t give it to them.

As I walked to my car, I saw that the police had already arrived.  The crowd of 3-4 people had gone to the cops and were explaining what happened.  The original man who I had talked to, he was wearing a nice coat, looked like a decent person, and I probably were thinking the same thing – the man has been helped, let’s get out of here before we get in trouble.  He shook my hand twice and thanked me as I thanked him.  He said if I hadn’t stopped, he was not going to help the man.  He wasn’t going to do it alone.  He told me the guy was crossing the highway, one car missed him, and a second red colored one, hit him.

I got back in my car, started driving home, and called my friend.  I described to her what all transpired.  She said it was good that the ambulance came.  If I had taken him there, he might not have gotten treatment.  This way, he will surely get help.  I didn’t know why and I didn’t think to ask at the time.  We discussed how the sad thing is that they have created the highways with good speed now (up to 100 km/hr when no one is there but usually never faster than 45 to 50 due to traffic and massive construction everywhere) but there is no walkways for pedestrians to cross from one side of the road to the other.  The only thing they can do is cross directly on the high-speed roads.  They’ve built a highway, but not really thought it through to provide full measure of expected traffic on the foot.  Walkways over or under need to be built.

In India, and this is something that perhaps is slowly changing, it is true that people do not help anyone in need if they see them on the streets like that.  If you stopped and helped, it was usually you who was questioned.  People assumed you were the one who caused the accident.  The idea of you being a good samaritan didn’t exist.  Maybe still doesn’t except for rare circumstances.  My gut reaction, having grown up in the States and being me, was to get this man help, even if I knew in my mind that I could be getting myself in trouble.  All I know is that I’m glad I saw him, glad I stopped, and glad the man got to a hospital.  As my friend said, at least now he has a chance to live and get treatment.  I had done my good deed for the day.