Lots Going On

Life is starting to feel a little overwhelming the last few days.  Even my body is rejecting my life!    I’ve had a headache for 3-4 days in a row.  That doesn’t happen.  I am popping two Tylenol’s twice a day to get rid of it.  Initially, I thought it was lack of sleep or not having gotten out of the house.  Then I figured it must be something in the air.  A couple of hours ago, I settled on the fact that there’s a lot going on and it all seems to be reaching climax (though not close to climax).  What else could it be?

So what all is going on that could be causing this?  Multiple things.

Professionally, this is a very busy time.  I have averaged 12 to 14 hour days many times over the last month.  That takes a toll.  I’ve tried to balance that out by taking a day off every once in a while.  I did nothing but read one day and chilled out on a weekend.

But it’s not just the long hours.  There is jockeying going on.  I have worked with this organization for many years and I recently told them that I am looking for a full-time position beginning later this year (as part of my Plan B).  If I was to work with them, I would want a position similar to executive director.  No one else can do what I do.  No one has the relationships with all the stakeholders throughout the country better than I do (or even have them at all).  Worse yet (or better yet) no one can do the work that I do without a significant learning curve.

Unfortunately, the president of this organization tends to favor much older folks for executive director-type positions. They countered with a central position mixed with a regional one because they don’t have the funds right now to do multiple full-time positions, having hired a full-time director for a central role recently.  I understand the financial environment out there today so I do understand fundraising is a big concern.  If I don’t get a position that allows me to build on what I/we have done already (I have tons of ideas), then I will look for work elsewhere.  That is Plan C, which by the way, is through a strong connection and with an individual who is in a position of budgetary control and can make decisions on hiring.  I haven’t yet told Plan B about Plan C because I also partly want to see how much the president wants to make things work for me.  I have paid my dues with the organization on one hand and I have a great deal to offer on the other.  I want to work for them but there’s no doubt they cannot do it without me, at least not immediately (I do believe no one is irreplaceable) and they know that as well.

The difficult situation thing here is that the newly hired director may be out in the cold.  I don’t want him to be out because of me and it bothers me a little bit to have to think he may be in a bad position.  But I also know that I’ve been on the receiving end of those kinds of scenarios in the past where the long-standing employee gets advantages the new guy doesn’t.  That’s how business works.  Now it’s working in my favor.  As much as it bothers me to be the cause of putting a person out, I have to let it work in my favor.  I am letting it do just that although hesitantly.  The thing is that the director has already shown in the past few months that he cannot do the work well.  He has a few advantages that I don’t have too (otherwise he’d be long gone) such as strong external relationships since he’s been in the industry for 50 years and the fact that he was just hired so they don’t want to make him reverse course because it will look bad for both of them.  It’s all starting to come to a climax.  It’ll play out sooner than later and a decision will be reached.  While I am optimistic of opportunities with Plan B, I am now starting the wheels churning on Plan C that I had put on hold about two months ago.  We haven’t discussed salary yet so all of this may be for naught anyway.

So with the long hours and all of this going on in the background the past month to two months, it’s been a lot happening.  It’s not been highly stressful yet but, like I said, it’s building to a climax now.

The third important aspect of life going on, is of course, my personal life.  Sometimes I think my desire to keep my professional and personal life activities happening simultaneously is not such a good idea.  Maybe I should completely put the personal life on hold. But it doesn’t work like that.  I have to push forward on both fronts.

The personal life has more to do with finding “the one” than anything else.  It’s a quest that keeps going nowhere.  I went to go watch “Straight” with my cigar friend yesterday.  It’s an Indian movie about a London-based NRI looking to get hitched.  The NRI becomes confused about potentially being gay because of a string of funny twists.  In the end he marries a woman he met randomly and both of whom fell for each other.  I’m glad I saw the movie because it hammered home a message that I know about myself but hadn’t thought about recently – I can’t marry a woman if I am not in love or if I don’t think the potential for love exists.

I’m glad I watched it because things are in a weird place with my cigar friend.  I like her enough to get to know her more.  I think there’s a good deal of similarity in our personalities and attitudes, well, at least for the most part.  While I try to emphasize our similarities in order to build a common bond, she tends to look at our differences.  I actually hadn’t thought about it until yesterday.  I’m not so sure I like that.  It’s okay to have differences, no one is going to fit perfectly for you and differences keeps you active on many different and fun things in life but the focus needs to be on things that build a positive relationship.

The other issue, and perhaps even a bigger issue at a routine, day-to-day level, is that she likes using reverse psychology apparently.  I didn’t think she was like that, I thought she was fairly straight and direct.  Maybe she isn’t.  And that’s not a good thing at all.  While reverse psychology can work for the short-term, in the long run it will really harm any kind of positive relationship with me.  I don’t do too well with it.  I see it as a form of manipulation rather than a strong foundation that I am looking for (when you know how good it can be, it’s hard to settle for anything else).  So that is definitely not good.  It became apparent to me a few days ago when she mentioned something to this affect.

But the largest of all issues may be the oldest of issues – finances!  We live in different parts of Delhi.  She lives in a very affluent area.  I live in North Delhi.  I like to call it “the village”.  It’s not that I can’t afford to move to Gurgaon but the reality is with the professional opportunities I am pursuing, I am not going to be in India past late summer or early fall, depending on which of the plans ends up happening (A is out of my control now, B is slightly in my control, C is a definite and in my control).  The chances of me staying here are getting less and less as the days go by.  If I do stay here for any extended period of time, I will move to Mumbai.  I won’t be in Delhi.  Gurgaon is an option too but Mumbai is the first choice.

I am hesitant to move because if I move to the US or elsewhere and my mom doesn’t move to the US to stay with my brother, then I would want her living where we are living now.  We live in North Delhi because that’s where my mom’s family is – her sisters, their families, as well as tons of her extended family.  She enjoys it here because of all the family.

The thing about the finances situation is that while things improved on that front the last couple of years, a very large chunk of my savings went to paying for my sister’s wedding a year ago.  So I have to build up the savings again, which I am working on.  The other issue is that when I take one of the professional opportunities I am looking at now, I will then be in an even better position financially.  In fact, I want to buy a house within a year or so.  Unfortunately, when it comes to Indian marriages and all of the stuff that goes with it, people look at what you have now, a criteria which I don’t quite meet.

Maybe I should just close the chapter and be friends with my cigar friend.  I do like hanging out with her and talking with her.  Why get into all romantic mess?  She says she has guys contacting her from US and Canada but then she says she doesn’t like it there either.  She also doesn’t seem to like all the things about Indian people and places that I don’t know about.  Since I haven’t lived here all my life, I have limited knowledge that comes over time.  Putting all the little tidbits together, I should just move on.  I do like her and would want to get to know her over the next few months I’m here.  I really don’t want to turn 35 and be single.  Turning 36 and being single will be worse.  Unfortunately, the bottom line is that while we talk all the time she’s not showing as much interest in me.  She seems to be checking off things that aren’t right with me instead of the other way around.