Smelling the Roses

I enjoy smelling the roses along the path of life – i.e., I take time out for important things no matter how busy I am!  Sure, I still work a lot of hours, but my life is satisfyingly balanced.

I am spending a lot of time on the phone or driving to meet my cigar friend.  Notice I said driving, not actually spending time with her when I get there!    This is because many times the time spent in the car is equivalent to the time I actually end up hanging out with her!  It is just absurd.  But it is what I do.

Lots of things have happened.  My cigar friend and I have had “semi” fights.  We are not sure where we are in the relationship, not having had the talk about that, but we are mosing along.  There is a general compatibility foundation that exists, there’s no question about that.  We have some issues but we’re working through them (I hope!).

Every once in a while, I feel like life is a bit of deja vu.  Or, more appropriately, you get the feeling that someone knows you more than they are letting on.  Why would they do that I am not really sure.  It’s almost like my cigar friend knows me and my family.  Either that or the similarities in a few peculiar ways of our families is very uncanny.  It took her until about 10 days ago to mention to me that she and I know someone in common through another friend.  One of her really good friends’ sister is married to a person I know through my university’s alumni association.  I found it a bit weird she didn’t mention it before.  Was there something to hide?  Is she not telling me something else also?

On another topic – summer is here in Delhi.  It’s getting hot!  I moved the air conditioner from a room which we don’t use (it was supposed to be my office) to the living room.  Now, that room is very comfortable.  My house has two weather centers now, depending on where I am.  One room is cool and comfortable (not cold mind you, just perfect) and the rest of it is hot hot hot!  And I say depending on where I am because my mom is out of the country now.  She is visiting the UK and the US.  And she’ll be gone for a while!  So I’m all alone in the house.  It’s been a couple of days and so far so good.

I am not worried about being alone.  I can live by myself as long as I can interact with people in other ways.  In some ways, I even prefer being by myself.  This is partly because I tend to work a lot (for now, the hours are 15 to 16 hours per day quite a few times the last few weeks, but averaging around 10 to 14).  I also can keep myself occupied.

There are some issues I have to get reacquainted with though now that my mom is not here.  Namely: laundry, cooking, and cleaning.  I can do the laundry, that should not be a problem.  Cooking is a different issue though.  I’ve never really done it on a consistent basis.  It’s just eating out.  Being in India is simpler because I can order food and they’ll deliver it (Indian food that is, which is what I normally prefer to eat).  I can also order Domino’s or Pizza Hut.  The question is how long can I sustain it.  I’ve been making pasta recently.  I know, quite an accomplishment you say.  Trust me, it can be!  I’ve also been doing better at the snacks thing.

I’ve also been cleaning – well, the dishes so far!  No, in India, you don’t even need to do that.  I suspect in the next few weeks I will be domesticated!  I have to buy one of them squeegie brooms you can put in a bucket of water.  The girl who comes to clean in the mornings isn’t going to be coming.  I told my mom I can pull it off.

I make myself sound really bad, but I’m not so bad.  I do it if I have to or if someone else isn’t doing it.  When in the US, I did all this myself.  So I’m back to it again.

Going Too Fast May be Right

My cigar friend and I are spending increasingly more time together.  We went out on Friday to the club Capitol at Ashoka Hotel for a Bally Sagoo bhangra event.  We then watched a movie yesterday and hung out at Barista for coffee after that.  She says she wants to go slow.  I am now starting to agree.  Or maybe it’s just that we are taking it to a new level of talking and openness that it seems different.  Let’s see how it goes.

My cigar friend didn’t really enjoy Bally Sagoo though she said that is the kind of Punjabi music she listens to, if she listens to it at all.  I have to agree that the really traditional Punjabi music is foreign to me too.  This was a good example of opposites.  I totally loved it.  She wasn’t dancing much and she told me that the night was too much Punjabi music for her, the most she’s listened to ever in one sitting.  She also seemed to be really distracted towards Bally Sagoo on stage.  All of that was surprising and I need to sort of let that sink in a bit.

In conversations with her, she has opened up a little bit.  She is telling me more about things happening in her life, though for sure there is still the thinking of not saying anything until after the fact, as if I was going to go mess it up for her.  But I just sort of just let it go, it’s not that big a deal, especially since she’s showing signs of doing it less.  To me, it’s a matter of getting to know each other and building common ground and trust.  These are the small, day-to-day ways you do it, even more so than the “big” talks which are also important.

A couple of things struck me in the last few days of interactions that I also need to think about.  My friend is big about her brother.  He’s 4-5 years younger than she is.  It’s not unusual for Indian women to talk extensively about their brothers.  There is a huge focus on them.  My sister probably did it/does it too.  I, for one, don’t particularly like it.  I’ve told my family I don’t want that much focus on me.  It’s one key reason I distance myself from them because they don’t seem to listen.  It’s quite annoying.  I understand where they are coming from.  I just don’t want that kind of attention.  It usually leads to people giving me more shit than I need or desire.

These are issues to think about – do we have similar enough interests and ways to have a good time.  It’s also important to think how frequently you’ll be bhangra-ing and to only focus on it to the extent that it will happen.  After all, you’ll only be dancing at weddings and things you may go to in the future.  We enjoy watching movies and that’s a much more frequent occurance.

One other issue, which I have mentioned before, is the level of general criticism directed towards me.  She doesn’t seem to say anything directly but she seems to imply a lot of things.  I am not this.  Or, I am too much this.  It’s not something I am taking to too well but I have also tried to just let it be.  Maybe it’s something that happens when people are getting to know each other.  I am not like that but that doesn’t mean others aren’t.  Maybe it will slow down.  The fear though is that it won’t and if it doesn’t it may become suffocating, which of course is not good.  Tied to this is the level of comparisons she makes – i.e., I get this feeling she is comparing me to other people she knows.   I am discounting this because again, I think it may be normal when you are getting to know someone.  But on the other hand, if it continues and this is how she is all the time, it’s not going to be good.

A completely unrelated issue is this topic of bathing.  I like to shower every morning.  My cigar friend lives in a house that has problems with water being supplied.  I don’t think she showers every day (so not good!).  The issue though is, and one I don’t quite know how to bring up to her, that I don’t think my cigar friend uses deodorant.  It’s been an “issue” a couple of times now, including on Friday night, but I haven’t really said anything or even hinted at it.  I’m going to have to find a way to address it though.

A Lot Can Happen in a Week

My cigar friend and I took a step forward.  I’m not quite sure if it should be called a big step or a very small one.  Or, actually, I think it was both.  Yes, I think it was both.

We went to watch a movie, hung out at the mall where the theatre was, were going to go dancing, but then watched another movie instead (long story why no dancing).  In between all that, my friend went to meet a guy’s parents.  She thought she’d be gone for an hour to hour fifteen.  I didn’t think that was too bad.  She made it back three hours later.  By that time, I had gotten my hair cut and bought a shirt.  She told me she’d already told them no but she had to meet them anyway because her mom set it up.

After the second movie, which ended around midnight, we were about to call it a night.  I didn’t quite want to, though I had been awake for way too long that day and was really tired.  I gave her a hug and decided to just hold her.  It was nice.  I then gave her a kiss. All of this led to a conversation – what is happening between us?  She asked me “why I liked her”.  I told her my reasons – she’s a chilled out girl, she was very helpful to me when I first moved to India with random things, basically I liked her attitude and approach.  I gave her a few other reasons as well.  Mind you, this was while we were first at the closed down mall, then walked outside and sat outside the mall, then in my car (too many mosquitos).

The big step happened when I told her why I liked her.  I know she wants to get married (or be in a long-term relationship) by the end of the year.  This works with my own plans.  I told her I do like her, she and I gel, and if things keep progressing as they are, I can see myself getting married to her.  That’s really what she wanted to know and hear.  That’s a really big step!  Isn’t it?!  I do like this girl as far as I know her.  There’s so many additional levels to a person though so I am a bit cautious but my view is generally very positive so far.  There are a few pet peeves kinds of things that aren’t great, but I don’t think those should be obstacles.

The very small step was hers – she says she wants to move very slowly.  Not really sure why and would like to know why.  On the one hand, she wants to get married soon and is willing to jump into an arranged marriage.  On the other hand, there’s hesitation on moving forward.  Actually, we have talked a lot (A LOT – every day!) and spent a good deal of time together as well, but we don’t scratch the surface much.  Perhaps I’m going too fast to expect that from her.  But I do wonder if we’ll get at the same level emotionally.  I definitely want to find out and I hope she’s going to loosen the reins a bit to let that be discoverable.  Compatibility at that level is going to be big, of course!  So far, so good.  Let’s see what’s next.