Going Too Fast May be Right
My cigar friend and I are spending increasingly more time together. We went out on Friday to the club Capitol at Ashoka Hotel for a Bally Sagoo bhangra event. We then watched a movie yesterday and hung out at Barista for coffee after that. She says she wants to go slow. I am now starting to agree. Or maybe it’s just that we are taking it to a new level of talking and openness that it seems different. Let’s see how it goes.
My cigar friend didn’t really enjoy Bally Sagoo though she said that is the kind of Punjabi music she listens to, if she listens to it at all. I have to agree that the really traditional Punjabi music is foreign to me too. This was a good example of opposites. I totally loved it. She wasn’t dancing much and she told me that the night was too much Punjabi music for her, the most she’s listened to ever in one sitting. She also seemed to be really distracted towards Bally Sagoo on stage. All of that was surprising and I need to sort of let that sink in a bit.
In conversations with her, she has opened up a little bit. She is telling me more about things happening in her life, though for sure there is still the thinking of not saying anything until after the fact, as if I was going to go mess it up for her. But I just sort of just let it go, it’s not that big a deal, especially since she’s showing signs of doing it less. To me, it’s a matter of getting to know each other and building common ground and trust. These are the small, day-to-day ways you do it, even more so than the “big” talks which are also important.
A couple of things struck me in the last few days of interactions that I also need to think about. My friend is big about her brother. He’s 4-5 years younger than she is. It’s not unusual for Indian women to talk extensively about their brothers. There is a huge focus on them. My sister probably did it/does it too. I, for one, don’t particularly like it. I’ve told my family I don’t want that much focus on me. It’s one key reason I distance myself from them because they don’t seem to listen. It’s quite annoying. I understand where they are coming from. I just don’t want that kind of attention. It usually leads to people giving me more shit than I need or desire.
These are issues to think about – do we have similar enough interests and ways to have a good time. It’s also important to think how frequently you’ll be bhangra-ing and to only focus on it to the extent that it will happen. After all, you’ll only be dancing at weddings and things you may go to in the future. We enjoy watching movies and that’s a much more frequent occurance.
One other issue, which I have mentioned before, is the level of general criticism directed towards me. She doesn’t seem to say anything directly but she seems to imply a lot of things. I am not this. Or, I am too much this. It’s not something I am taking to too well but I have also tried to just let it be. Maybe it’s something that happens when people are getting to know each other. I am not like that but that doesn’t mean others aren’t. Maybe it will slow down. The fear though is that it won’t and if it doesn’t it may become suffocating, which of course is not good. Tied to this is the level of comparisons she makes – i.e., I get this feeling she is comparing me to other people she knows. I am discounting this because again, I think it may be normal when you are getting to know someone. But on the other hand, if it continues and this is how she is all the time, it’s not going to be good.
A completely unrelated issue is this topic of bathing. I like to shower every morning. My cigar friend lives in a house that has problems with water being supplied. I don’t think she showers every day (so not good!). The issue though is, and one I don’t quite know how to bring up to her, that I don’t think my cigar friend uses deodorant. It’s been an “issue” a couple of times now, including on Friday night, but I haven’t really said anything or even hinted at it. I’m going to have to find a way to address it though.
