Voting in India

There is a point where you reach a threshold, a junction from which there is no return try as you may.  When I moved to the United States as a teenager, I did not expect the country to become “mine”.  I was an Indian and there was not much doubt about it in my mind and heart.

During the next approx 15 years, I went through various phases of assimilation to the country.  I was still an Indian at heart and India was still “home”.  Then something curiously happened.  It felt like it was almost overnight.  But in truth, the internal process of reaching the threshold had started when I was 13.  Ironically, it had happened when I was visiting Calcutta, the city where I was born.  That is when the contrast of the two countries, and by extension, my two identities became evident.  I was no longer (only) Indian.  India was no longer the only place I would call home.

It’s quite fascinating how one reaches that threshold of identification of one’s nationality.  For some, it may be a very practical decision.  For most, I would suspect, it is a deeply emotional transition, one where you take many steps forward and many steps backwards.

But it’s also very clear – when you cross the threshold, there is a noticeable change in your heart and mind.  You are a new person at that point (so to speak).  At least I felt like that.  During the trip to Cal, I don’t recall what specifically happened to trigger this shift in my national self-identity.  But then again, it is not expected to be a specific incident.  It was a collection of experiences that led to the crossing of the chasm.

I recall feeling relieved.  Or maybe relieved isn’t the right word.  Maybe a better descriptor is “free”.  I had become free of the torn feeling one gets when one is straddling two lands and the two loyalties that come with it.  I had crossed the chasm where I was as equally American as I was Indian.  And, from that threshold-crossing moment forward, nothing was going to change that and nothing has changed that.

I felt tied to the United States.  That is where I had studied.  That is where I learned to play sports the enjoyable way.  That is where I hung out and made friends. Some of my family was also there (and my American-born cousins and their confusion of identify at least having some impact on my own acculturation).  For a few months or maybe a year or so after that, I still called India “home”.  But that started feeling less and less accurate and more and more hollow. I even felt a little guilty when I had made the emotional and mental jump, I remember.  I also remember I didn’t feel that guilty. For me, it wasn’t something pushing me away from India as much as it was everything that was pulling me to the United States.

Even though I had crossed the threshold, I was still conflicted and remain conflicted to some (surprisingly large) extent even today.  It wasn’t a question of being connected with my heart and mind to a nation anymore though.  That had changed permanently.  What hadn’t changed was the way I fit in with my peers who grew up in the United States.  I didn’t fit in anywhere as it turned out, neither in the United States nor in India.  That’s a battle I continue to fight and will for at least another few years I think.

India just had its elections for Lok Sabha, the equivalent of the House of Representatives in the United States.  My cigar friend and I talked about voting here.  As we were talking, I realized I had no emotion that I couldn’t vote in India.

Trust and Hidden Things

When you start a relationship, I believe trust and honesty are key.  Loyalty develops over time but the person must believe in loyalty for it to happen.  Trust and honesty help build that kind of relationship.  It is a fact that I tend to be honest with anyone I am getting into a relationship with.  I feel it is only fair to them and fair to our relationship in the future.

My cigar friend and I went to a Dutch Orange Ball last night.  I met a couple of her friends.  She’s been very keen on me meeting them.  I’ve just been too busy to get out (well, besides the times I go meet her).  More on how hanging out with her friends went.  What I want to talk about is that my cigar friend was a bit guarded/hesitant/uncomfortable all night.  I wasn’t quite sure why.  I asked her and she said she wasn’t feeling well.  Her stomach was not right.

On the way back home, we were talking about how she was feeling.  She said it is something that happens once or twice a week.  The information sharing was coming in bits and flows and very hesitantly.  That’s not really good.  I started wondering what was not shared.  I know she had kidney problems a year ago and it got infected and she had a lot of hospital visits due to it.  Eventually, she told me what it was a health matter.  I am not sure how long the situation has been the case but at least a year.  She was taking medicine for it but it didn’t work. 

But that is not good – at multiple levels.  The issue I want to talk about in this post is about trust and hidden things.  I understand my friend doesn’t like talking to people about her health as she explained to me.  Only one of her friends knows about this.

When I was talking to her and sharing my concerns, I told her I would take her to the doctor now if it was a problem.  She said she’d go to her doctor on Monday.  I told her I will come by and pick her up and take her.  If she wanted to go with her mother, we’ll take her too.  If she wanted to go with her friend, we’ll do that too.  I would ask the doctor whatever questions needed to be asked.  She said she didn’t want me to talk to her doctor because “I would drive her doctor” away also.

Now you see, my cigar friend doesn’t like to say things directly sometimes.  She hints at stuff.  Something happens, she has a view on it, she’ll hint at it instead of saying directly.  This is not all the time but does happen.  I could only guess she was referring to something from the night.  What that could be I don’t know.  I’ll ask her when I talk to her again.  This is a disturbing method of communication for me, especially with someone who you are getting to know for marriage.  If you cannot be open and direct with that relationship (not mean, but nice and caring of course!), which is what it requires, then you’re going to get yourself in trouble.  Anyway, I guess I digressed.  Let’s go back.

When I talk to anyone for marriage, I tell them a few key things about me right away.  It’s usually in the first few weeks.  I do not want someone feeling uncomfortable about anything and getting emotionally involved with me.  It’s not fair.  I have also had women tell me a few things that they want to share.  But my cigar friend’s reponse was: “this isn’t one of those things you share” or something to the affect of “what’s there to share about that”?.  Well, I have a hard time with that.  How many other important issues does she have or we will come across later that would end up falling into that category?  How will we work through those issues if that is the approach?

I told her you could tell me anything but lying to me is just not good, even white lies.  I don’t do that either.  On the one hand, I believe the connection exists to trust her.  On the other hand, she is not open about things all the time and that is confusing and concerning.

Comparing

I came across an article on Yahoo’s home page the other day that talked about relationships.  I figured why not check it out.  One of the things the article talks about was quite appropriate for my situation with my cigar friend.

You see, my c.f. compares me to people in her life.  I understand some of this is going to happen and I deal with it.  Then the comparison went to someone else.  The question is, should I be concerned about this?  I am uncomfortable with it, that is true.  What do I do about it?  I have told my friend my concern but it still happens.

Should I be concerned?