Trust and Hidden Things

When you start a relationship, I believe trust and honesty are key.  Loyalty develops over time but the person must believe in loyalty for it to happen.  Trust and honesty help build that kind of relationship.  It is a fact that I tend to be honest with anyone I am getting into a relationship with.  I feel it is only fair to them and fair to our relationship in the future.

My cigar friend and I went to a Dutch Orange Ball last night.  I met a couple of her friends.  She’s been very keen on me meeting them.  I’ve just been too busy to get out (well, besides the times I go meet her).  More on how hanging out with her friends went.  What I want to talk about is that my cigar friend was a bit guarded/hesitant/uncomfortable all night.  I wasn’t quite sure why.  I asked her and she said she wasn’t feeling well.  Her stomach was not right.

On the way back home, we were talking about how she was feeling.  She said it is something that happens once or twice a week.  The information sharing was coming in bits and flows and very hesitantly.  That’s not really good.  I started wondering what was not shared.  I know she had kidney problems a year ago and it got infected and she had a lot of hospital visits due to it.  Eventually, she told me what it was a health matter.  I am not sure how long the situation has been the case but at least a year.  She was taking medicine for it but it didn’t work. 

But that is not good – at multiple levels.  The issue I want to talk about in this post is about trust and hidden things.  I understand my friend doesn’t like talking to people about her health as she explained to me.  Only one of her friends knows about this.

When I was talking to her and sharing my concerns, I told her I would take her to the doctor now if it was a problem.  She said she’d go to her doctor on Monday.  I told her I will come by and pick her up and take her.  If she wanted to go with her mother, we’ll take her too.  If she wanted to go with her friend, we’ll do that too.  I would ask the doctor whatever questions needed to be asked.  She said she didn’t want me to talk to her doctor because “I would drive her doctor” away also.

Now you see, my cigar friend doesn’t like to say things directly sometimes.  She hints at stuff.  Something happens, she has a view on it, she’ll hint at it instead of saying directly.  This is not all the time but does happen.  I could only guess she was referring to something from the night.  What that could be I don’t know.  I’ll ask her when I talk to her again.  This is a disturbing method of communication for me, especially with someone who you are getting to know for marriage.  If you cannot be open and direct with that relationship (not mean, but nice and caring of course!), which is what it requires, then you’re going to get yourself in trouble.  Anyway, I guess I digressed.  Let’s go back.

When I talk to anyone for marriage, I tell them a few key things about me right away.  It’s usually in the first few weeks.  I do not want someone feeling uncomfortable about anything and getting emotionally involved with me.  It’s not fair.  I have also had women tell me a few things that they want to share.  But my cigar friend’s reponse was: “this isn’t one of those things you share” or something to the affect of “what’s there to share about that”?.  Well, I have a hard time with that.  How many other important issues does she have or we will come across later that would end up falling into that category?  How will we work through those issues if that is the approach?

I told her you could tell me anything but lying to me is just not good, even white lies.  I don’t do that either.  On the one hand, I believe the connection exists to trust her.  On the other hand, she is not open about things all the time and that is confusing and concerning.