The Big “L” Word

In marriages, there’s a word that begins with the letter “L” that means a great deal.  To hit that point is to have crossed a major hurdle in a lifelong relationship.  I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that “love makes the world go round”.  Indeed, what would be life without love. 

But that’s not the “L” word I am talking about.  I am referring to “Loyalty!”  With every passing week, we hear of some politician in the States showing that he doesn’t quite understand what that term means.  People seem to keep having affairs.  To me, loyalty is among the most important of foundations in any relationship, and especially in a marriage.

I’m not just talking about having an affair and the very apparent disloyalty that shows.  Loyalty means you back your spouse with very few exceptions.  And I do mean very few!  You may go an entire lifetime without an exception case coming up!  It means that you believe your first priority is your relationship to each other.  More than to your parents, brothers, sisters, and certainly more than to your extended family.  Even more than to your kids.  This doesn’t mean you are not looking out for the well-being of your family.  Of course you are.

Loyalty in marriage is not something you can give lip service to.  It means you are true to each other in words, deeds, thoughts and actions.  You must sincerely and deeply believe that the cornerstone of a happy life begins with the one with your spouse.

This may seem to convey that I believe you shouldn’t help your family or support them.  I absolutely believe you should.  I’ve done that throughout my own life.  I do believe there’s a difference between supporting with finances and supporting in other ways but you must do it.  I’m not sure I agree with giving money whenever someone needs it.

My cigar friend and I had a long discussion about that today.  You see, we have hit a rough patch recently.  I haven’t talked about her in my posts because I’m not quite sure where we are at this point.  We had issues about a month ago where I called it quits.  It’s also becoming more clear that we may have different ways of thinking that are more fundamental and a bigger issue than I had thought before.  This coincided with the return of my mom from the US and UK.  My cigar friend is like my mom in many ways and in many ways that is something shakingly frustrating.  When my mom wasn’t here, I had almost forgotten about those things.  Well, not quite.  But they weren’t front and center as they became the last few weeks.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom.  Still, I have definite disagreements with some of her outlook.  I’ve seen the good and the bad that comes with it and I’m hoping the kids have learned something from the mistakes of our parents.  (To be fair to my mom, I will also say there are many things I don’t do that my dad did either.)

I believe once you are married, you must be loyal to your partner in public.  Depending on the topic, I define public as anyone outside of the two of you.  On some issues, that may even be your own immediate families.  If you disagree with your partner, you must tell him or her but you must do so in private.  Very importantly, I believe loyalty is required whether you believe your partner is correct or incorrect.  In fact, you can argue it’s even more critical when you two disagree.

In my interactions with my cigar friend so far, it’s become clear that she does not think this way.  To her, as is the case to many people and women especially in India, you are loyal to your own self before you someone else.  This is a tricky situation in that it seems almost maniacal to be loyal to someone else even before yourself.  In my experience, it is not.  The reason is that you do, indeed you must, share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse in private.  Again, this is especially true if you disagree.

Unconditional loyalty can also be tricky for another reason.  It may mean that you abandon your own position.  Depending on the importance of the issue to you personally, it’s something that will undoubtedly come up many times in a lifetime relationship.  This is when you must discuss your views openly and honestly, yet respectfully.  I call it compromising.  There is a give and take that happens in every relationship and it has to happen in those situations where a clear cut call cannot be made. 

Being loyal to someone when you believe they are incorrect can be very difficult.  You do it because, as I said before, you believe the sanctity of your relationship is paramount.  You do what you do because it’s the most important relationship in your life.  You know a marriage is not easy.  You know many obstacles will come in the way.  It’s on those most challenging of times when your priority to your spouse ahead of everyone else must be absolutely clear.  It’s only with that clarity that you can survive the hard times.

It’s also very important that both spouses believe unconditional loyalty down to their core.  Just as strongly as someone may think that loyalty to themselves is most important is how strongly they must feel about this.  It has to be how they are.  If it’s not, it doesn’t work.  At least not for me.

I will add an aside to say that I have not always thought this way.  It’s not that I didn’t think this is how it should be, it’s just that as a kid you don’t think about these things.  If I did come to consider it, I probably would not have as strong a feeling on it as I do now.  Suffice it to say that many of my views on family and relationships changed dramatically since the death of my father some 15 years ago.  Shit happened.  It changed me irreversibly.