Aane Wala Pal Jaane Wala Hai

My dad was one of those guys who rarely let life get him down.  He had his share of lows, probably more than many others in fact, but he was still the life of the party until the last year or two before he passed away.  I recall many people commenting on his outgoing nature growing up as a kid.  One of my friends posted a song on Orkut the other day.  I have put up the video below.  It is one of my favorite songs of all time.  The singer is Kishore Kumar, who also ranks high in my list.  The song is called Aane Wala Pal Jaane Wala Hai.

The song’s title translates to “the upcoming moment is about to be gone, try to spend your life in it because it’s about to go”.  In many ways, I have not done that.  I have become more aware of that in the last two months than before.  This may be because my life was going fine before coming to India and after being here, it could be better described as being on pause.  In the States, I was meeting people, making friends, doing things.  In India, I don’t know anyone except my cigar friend.  Literally, no one.  (It’s an enigma of life how one person is sufficient to keep you occupied yet it doesn’t seem like that is possible.)

I have thought about this before but now it seems more pressing and more real.  I believe I did what most conscientious and in-the-moment people would do.  When you have limited money, you are careful where you spend it.  You can’t do the same things your friends do.  When you’re very tight on cash, you can do even less, especially when you send it to your family in India and your brother in the States could call you at any moment needing help, which he did/does frequently.  That’s one issue.

A second issue is running into problems with people due to things that happened in your life, whether things were your fault or not.  Being involved in a bad situation is enough to cause you difficulty because everyone has to keep mentioning it.  You can’t escape it because people won’t let you.  It’s hard to move “normally” with your life when it’s not normal.

But then the question arises, does any of this matter?  Is there a way to transcend all of this with my attitude?  Could I be somewhat like my dad and not worry about money?  Sure, he had major cash problems and he and his family paid severe consequences because of it.  But does that matter?  Should I take on the attitude that “everything will be fine” and let me continue being jolly and happy?  I’ve told myself I will never be in the kind of financial problems that he had because I will not put my family through that.  I’ve done everything people expected me to do.

When people are giving me shit, besides ignoring it as much as I do and can, is there more that can be done?  Can I embrace it even if embracing it means it will be as if I am accepting fault?  Am I capable of executing a personality that I can side-step all of that and yet not be hindered or stopped by it?  Is it possible that over time and my interactions with people, the issues will reduce?  Experience suggests that is not possible in India with Indian people.  Then why does it feel like it is possible?

Life can only be lived in the moment.  You can plan and you should, but it can only be executed in the present.  The trick is while you are executing it, you should enjoy it too.  How do I do that?  Do I acknowledge it all or do I ignore it all?  Do I have it in me to be able to do both?  Can I have my cake and eat it too?  Do I try, like I have before, and risk being pushed back down again?  Do I risk that emotional toll?  Am I willing to put my all into it?  My fear is that I’ve done it enough times before that if I try again wholeheartedly and I’m not successful, I’m going to completely lose myself.  I’ve been there before too and I know I won’t survive it a second time.

What I know is that I am not happy.  The truth is that the present situation has been so lengthy, I can’t remember being happy.  I am not unhappy today, I’ve gone past that and life is stagnant more than anything, but I am certainly not as carefree as I was.  The absence of something doesn’t mean it’s opposite exists.  Does that trump everything else and mean I should risk it and try out a complete change of approach?  I want to.  Believe me I do.  I just don’t know if I have it in me to try.  Nor do I know if I even should.