Cigar Friend Update

It seems like my cigar friend reads this blog.  As I’ve mentioned before, she hasn’t accepted she does it, but it seems like she does.

Two days ago, my cigar friend realized she was not hanging out with a lot of her friends.  You see, her brother is in town from out of the country.  He had a friend who’s wedding it was and he spent a week on events.  He met a lot of his childhood friends he’s been in touch with for years and probably some he hasn’t.  This led to a conversation between her and me on long-time friends.  It also seems like this got to my cigar friend (I still can’t be sure she’s telling me the truth in why she feels something or does something.  Either that or she may not realize it herself.)

The result of whatever is going on in her head was that she blamed her lack of hanging out with her friends on me.  She said it was my fault because she spends all her weekends with me.  This is problematic since that’s not true.  We tend to meet on weekday evenings more than on weekends.  Whenever she is going out with a friend of hers, I’ve never told her she should hang out with me.  So , I wasn’t too happy about the blame-game.  She’s told me she is highly critical and I guess this is an example.  That’s not a good thing and her thought of it just jarred me. 

The other issue is that it conveyed in a very loud manner that rather than being happy about spending more time with me, someone she wants to potentially marry, she’s critical of that fact.  Isn’t this what happens to people who are dating, they spend more time together and less (but not none) time with their other friends?

This is perhaps what happens when someone is thinking with her head about dating and marriage while she’s in a relationship.  Sometimes it feels like this whole thing is a transaction for her that she just needs to get over with.  In fact, she told me as much the other day.  This may be the case because she says she’s getting increasing pressure from her family.  I’m not sure of the details but I can understand it.

Unfortunately, the kinds of things we run into and the transaction thing just won’t work for me.  I am so weary of more chaos in my life that I am not going to risk getting married until I know with a very high degree of confidence that I am comfortable with this girl.  This will require more time.  Truth be told, I have come to a conclusion a few times in the past few weeks that we have a lot of incompatibilities and it just won’t work out and I was going to call it off.  For whatever reason, I didn’t.  (I’ve talked about her being like my mom in her thinking and approach.  I’ve had an increasingly tense relationship with my mom since moving to India because of her attitudes, behavior, beliefs and approaches – all of that is perhaps another post at another time, it’s not something I’ve written about yet, which is kinda funny.  My blog is anonymous yet I don’t write about something like that.)

Maybe it’s because there’s a part of me that thinks that maybe this will take more time than it’s been so far.  It’s been 4-5 months.  (Oh by the way, that’s another thing she “hinted” at the other day – she seems to be having a lot of pimples etc on her face and a lot of mosquito bites on her arm and she said that never happened until 4-5 months ago.  She says that right along with saying something else that blamed things on me.  The sad thing also is that she tells her friend about these things even though I’ve asked her not to talk about me or us with them.)

I’ve had more instances of things telling me to back off than there are telling me to move forward.  I’m not sure why I am still moving forward.  Well, actually, part of it is the realization that I can’t seem to be finding anyone else.  I’m not actively looking for anyone else now but when I was, I wasn’t finding her (looking only through matrimonial online, not through work, friends, organizations, etc).

My cigar friend is pretty much ready to marry me and has been for a bit.  A couple of months ago she talked about a diamond ring as the only thing she’ll accept.  She mentioned quite a few times over the last couple of months how many people she would have attend her marriage and we had a detailed discussion about that two nights ago.  As an aside, I told her how I would have my marriage happen for the first time then.  Even while we were having that conversation, it was not feeling right.  Remember that movie with John Cusack?  Serendipity.  He’s about to get married yet he thinks someone else he met is his soulmate.  I don’t have a someone else but the hesitation is the same.  Too bad that I don’t.  My movie may not have a happy ending as John’s did.

I’ve shared my hesitation with my cigar friend and she’s recognized it too and commented on it a few times.  Things happened that made me wonder.  Those same things made her wonder if I’m wondering.  She’s been smart enough to recognize those things.

I have hesitated to write my thoughts here because my cigar friend might be reading this.  Heck, so could her mom and friend.  But maybe I should just write it anyway.  She may not be.  Or maybe it doesn’t matter that she is.

As if John Cusack’s movie is still playing, my story continues.  Today was my cigar friend’s birthday.  I took her and her friend out for lunch.  I am going forward with the motions just like John. 

But maybe none of my feelings on our compatibility matter.  Maybe they’re just a product of the short timeframe of getting to know her.  I don’t know.  I don’t know the right answer and I wish I had it.  Should I call it off or keep going with it?