Has It Been A Month? Teddy Is Here!

How time flies!?! I cannot believe it’s been a month since I posted.  There’s lots that’s happened in that timeframe.  Maybe I’ll give an update in the next post.  For now, let me just say that I’m starting my business, things are going well with my cigar friend (after a very difficult couple of weeks leading to lots of adjustments), and it’s almost winter (i.e., Delhi summer is almost over…even though you still need the AC because it still gets very hot).

What I will talk about, though, is Teddy.  I have had Teddy for two weeks now.  He’s our mixed-Indian breed pup.  We got him two weeks ago from a pound, which in this case was someone’s apartment!  He was five or six weeks old then, depending on who you listen to.  We decided he was born in the last week of August, or more specifically, the beginning of the last week of August.  He’s seriously a handful!  It’s like having a human baby running around but you can never forget he’s also an animal.  He teeths like we’re familiar human babies do.  He also has feelings and emotions.  He gets hurt when you discipline him but you know it’s best for him and for you in the long-run.  It’s also the only way possible he’d be able to live with us.  That gives you mixed feelings sometimes but you also know you have to do it.  Like one of the many many articles I’ve read say: for a dog, it’s about exercise, discipline, and affection.  In that order!

I’ll put some pictures up soon!  Till then, hope you’re well!

Indian National Psyche and My Cigar Friend

One of the interesting topics of discussion between my cigar friend and I has to do with an Indian national psyche.  One of the things that bugs me is constant copying and tit-for-tat.  I tell my cigar friend that there is a lot of this happening everywhere around me and I struggle to deal with it.  She argues that it does not happen.  How can it be happening if it is occuring everywhere?  Everyone can’t be wrong, she said.  My response: yes, it does happen everywhere and everyone can be wrong!

This discussion stems from the fact that my cigar friend is a copy cat and a tit-for-tat rat.  Haha, okay, she’s not a rat but I wanted that line to rhyme.  Now watch, she’s gonna read this and somehow a reference to a cat and a rat will occur sometime soon.  Or, she may try to hold back.  Eventually, she’ll think I’ve forgotten about it and then she’ll say something.  Why?  Because she has to say something and she’ll do it quietly, feeling good that she’s said something.  Hmm, sounds like passive agressiveness.

Is there really a national psyche that I seem to be butting heads with?  Yes, yes, and yes!  Up to now, the people I am dealing with on this are really my own immediate family and my cigar friend.  My cousins also do it.  I run into people once in a while, like my banker, who are also guilty.  It doesn’t bother me much with the banker.  I just brush it off.  I have no relationship with her outside of being my banker for it to matter.  I don’t tell my cousins too much about it, but I do mention it, because telling them something is usually pointless (for reasons I can discuss some other time).  However, when my family does it, it bugs me and I tell them.  When my cigar friend does it, it’s the same situation.

I was researching for work and came across an article with Infosys’ Narayana Murthy.  Let me quote:

The Global Education Centre addresses a key aspect of the national psyche.  “We have realized that our challenge is to take the reactive mindset of Indian youngsters and change them into proactive problem solving ones.  By and large, because of our culture, family background, etc. we are reactive.  To change that, we have to understand problem solving as a science and an art.  We have to understand algorithmic thinking,” he says.

Ahah!  National psyche!  Reactive!  This is the same kind of thing with the issues my cigar friend and I talk about.  She tells me that I’m in India, so I should follow Indian thinking.  Well, that’s true.  But only to some extent.  And only if I want to regress!  What I do need to do is find a better way to deal with it!

Says Narayana Murthy in the article:

We have to understand interacting with people from other cultures, the ability to get into a new unstructured situation and use our generic learning to ask questions in a systematic way.

Ahah, this is so true!  Why are Indians across India, including such distinguished business leaders as Murthy, talking about adopting new ways of thinking and learning and my cigar friend is telling me to regress?  I hope she reads this, gets pissed off, then smiles, and then decides to tell me she’s reading my blog!

Cigar Friend Update

It seems like my cigar friend reads this blog.  As I’ve mentioned before, she hasn’t accepted she does it, but it seems like she does.

Two days ago, my cigar friend realized she was not hanging out with a lot of her friends.  You see, her brother is in town from out of the country.  He had a friend who’s wedding it was and he spent a week on events.  He met a lot of his childhood friends he’s been in touch with for years and probably some he hasn’t.  This led to a conversation between her and me on long-time friends.  It also seems like this got to my cigar friend (I still can’t be sure she’s telling me the truth in why she feels something or does something.  Either that or she may not realize it herself.)

The result of whatever is going on in her head was that she blamed her lack of hanging out with her friends on me.  She said it was my fault because she spends all her weekends with me.  This is problematic since that’s not true.  We tend to meet on weekday evenings more than on weekends.  Whenever she is going out with a friend of hers, I’ve never told her she should hang out with me.  So , I wasn’t too happy about the blame-game.  She’s told me she is highly critical and I guess this is an example.  That’s not a good thing and her thought of it just jarred me. 

The other issue is that it conveyed in a very loud manner that rather than being happy about spending more time with me, someone she wants to potentially marry, she’s critical of that fact.  Isn’t this what happens to people who are dating, they spend more time together and less (but not none) time with their other friends?

This is perhaps what happens when someone is thinking with her head about dating and marriage while she’s in a relationship.  Sometimes it feels like this whole thing is a transaction for her that she just needs to get over with.  In fact, she told me as much the other day.  This may be the case because she says she’s getting increasing pressure from her family.  I’m not sure of the details but I can understand it.

Unfortunately, the kinds of things we run into and the transaction thing just won’t work for me.  I am so weary of more chaos in my life that I am not going to risk getting married until I know with a very high degree of confidence that I am comfortable with this girl.  This will require more time.  Truth be told, I have come to a conclusion a few times in the past few weeks that we have a lot of incompatibilities and it just won’t work out and I was going to call it off.  For whatever reason, I didn’t.  (I’ve talked about her being like my mom in her thinking and approach.  I’ve had an increasingly tense relationship with my mom since moving to India because of her attitudes, behavior, beliefs and approaches – all of that is perhaps another post at another time, it’s not something I’ve written about yet, which is kinda funny.  My blog is anonymous yet I don’t write about something like that.)

Maybe it’s because there’s a part of me that thinks that maybe this will take more time than it’s been so far.  It’s been 4-5 months.  (Oh by the way, that’s another thing she “hinted” at the other day – she seems to be having a lot of pimples etc on her face and a lot of mosquito bites on her arm and she said that never happened until 4-5 months ago.  She says that right along with saying something else that blamed things on me.  The sad thing also is that she tells her friend about these things even though I’ve asked her not to talk about me or us with them.)

I’ve had more instances of things telling me to back off than there are telling me to move forward.  I’m not sure why I am still moving forward.  Well, actually, part of it is the realization that I can’t seem to be finding anyone else.  I’m not actively looking for anyone else now but when I was, I wasn’t finding her (looking only through matrimonial online, not through work, friends, organizations, etc).

My cigar friend is pretty much ready to marry me and has been for a bit.  A couple of months ago she talked about a diamond ring as the only thing she’ll accept.  She mentioned quite a few times over the last couple of months how many people she would have attend her marriage and we had a detailed discussion about that two nights ago.  As an aside, I told her how I would have my marriage happen for the first time then.  Even while we were having that conversation, it was not feeling right.  Remember that movie with John Cusack?  Serendipity.  He’s about to get married yet he thinks someone else he met is his soulmate.  I don’t have a someone else but the hesitation is the same.  Too bad that I don’t.  My movie may not have a happy ending as John’s did.

I’ve shared my hesitation with my cigar friend and she’s recognized it too and commented on it a few times.  Things happened that made me wonder.  Those same things made her wonder if I’m wondering.  She’s been smart enough to recognize those things.

I have hesitated to write my thoughts here because my cigar friend might be reading this.  Heck, so could her mom and friend.  But maybe I should just write it anyway.  She may not be.  Or maybe it doesn’t matter that she is.

As if John Cusack’s movie is still playing, my story continues.  Today was my cigar friend’s birthday.  I took her and her friend out for lunch.  I am going forward with the motions just like John. 

But maybe none of my feelings on our compatibility matter.  Maybe they’re just a product of the short timeframe of getting to know her.  I don’t know.  I don’t know the right answer and I wish I had it.  Should I call it off or keep going with it?

Aane Wala Pal Jaane Wala Hai

My dad was one of those guys who rarely let life get him down.  He had his share of lows, probably more than many others in fact, but he was still the life of the party until the last year or two before he passed away.  I recall many people commenting on his outgoing nature growing up as a kid.  One of my friends posted a song on Orkut the other day.  I have put up the video below.  It is one of my favorite songs of all time.  The singer is Kishore Kumar, who also ranks high in my list.  The song is called Aane Wala Pal Jaane Wala Hai.

The song’s title translates to “the upcoming moment is about to be gone, try to spend your life in it because it’s about to go”.  In many ways, I have not done that.  I have become more aware of that in the last two months than before.  This may be because my life was going fine before coming to India and after being here, it could be better described as being on pause.  In the States, I was meeting people, making friends, doing things.  In India, I don’t know anyone except my cigar friend.  Literally, no one.  (It’s an enigma of life how one person is sufficient to keep you occupied yet it doesn’t seem like that is possible.)

I have thought about this before but now it seems more pressing and more real.  I believe I did what most conscientious and in-the-moment people would do.  When you have limited money, you are careful where you spend it.  You can’t do the same things your friends do.  When you’re very tight on cash, you can do even less, especially when you send it to your family in India and your brother in the States could call you at any moment needing help, which he did/does frequently.  That’s one issue.

A second issue is running into problems with people due to things that happened in your life, whether things were your fault or not.  Being involved in a bad situation is enough to cause you difficulty because everyone has to keep mentioning it.  You can’t escape it because people won’t let you.  It’s hard to move “normally” with your life when it’s not normal.

But then the question arises, does any of this matter?  Is there a way to transcend all of this with my attitude?  Could I be somewhat like my dad and not worry about money?  Sure, he had major cash problems and he and his family paid severe consequences because of it.  But does that matter?  Should I take on the attitude that “everything will be fine” and let me continue being jolly and happy?  I’ve told myself I will never be in the kind of financial problems that he had because I will not put my family through that.  I’ve done everything people expected me to do.

When people are giving me shit, besides ignoring it as much as I do and can, is there more that can be done?  Can I embrace it even if embracing it means it will be as if I am accepting fault?  Am I capable of executing a personality that I can side-step all of that and yet not be hindered or stopped by it?  Is it possible that over time and my interactions with people, the issues will reduce?  Experience suggests that is not possible in India with Indian people.  Then why does it feel like it is possible?

Life can only be lived in the moment.  You can plan and you should, but it can only be executed in the present.  The trick is while you are executing it, you should enjoy it too.  How do I do that?  Do I acknowledge it all or do I ignore it all?  Do I have it in me to be able to do both?  Can I have my cake and eat it too?  Do I try, like I have before, and risk being pushed back down again?  Do I risk that emotional toll?  Am I willing to put my all into it?  My fear is that I’ve done it enough times before that if I try again wholeheartedly and I’m not successful, I’m going to completely lose myself.  I’ve been there before too and I know I won’t survive it a second time.

What I know is that I am not happy.  The truth is that the present situation has been so lengthy, I can’t remember being happy.  I am not unhappy today, I’ve gone past that and life is stagnant more than anything, but I am certainly not as carefree as I was.  The absence of something doesn’t mean it’s opposite exists.  Does that trump everything else and mean I should risk it and try out a complete change of approach?  I want to.  Believe me I do.  I just don’t know if I have it in me to try.  Nor do I know if I even should.

The Big “L” Word

In marriages, there’s a word that begins with the letter “L” that means a great deal.  To hit that point is to have crossed a major hurdle in a lifelong relationship.  I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that “love makes the world go round”.  Indeed, what would be life without love. 

But that’s not the “L” word I am talking about.  I am referring to “Loyalty!”  With every passing week, we hear of some politician in the States showing that he doesn’t quite understand what that term means.  People seem to keep having affairs.  To me, loyalty is among the most important of foundations in any relationship, and especially in a marriage.

I’m not just talking about having an affair and the very apparent disloyalty that shows.  Loyalty means you back your spouse with very few exceptions.  And I do mean very few!  You may go an entire lifetime without an exception case coming up!  It means that you believe your first priority is your relationship to each other.  More than to your parents, brothers, sisters, and certainly more than to your extended family.  Even more than to your kids.  This doesn’t mean you are not looking out for the well-being of your family.  Of course you are.

Loyalty in marriage is not something you can give lip service to.  It means you are true to each other in words, deeds, thoughts and actions.  You must sincerely and deeply believe that the cornerstone of a happy life begins with the one with your spouse.

This may seem to convey that I believe you shouldn’t help your family or support them.  I absolutely believe you should.  I’ve done that throughout my own life.  I do believe there’s a difference between supporting with finances and supporting in other ways but you must do it.  I’m not sure I agree with giving money whenever someone needs it.

My cigar friend and I had a long discussion about that today.  You see, we have hit a rough patch recently.  I haven’t talked about her in my posts because I’m not quite sure where we are at this point.  We had issues about a month ago where I called it quits.  It’s also becoming more clear that we may have different ways of thinking that are more fundamental and a bigger issue than I had thought before.  This coincided with the return of my mom from the US and UK.  My cigar friend is like my mom in many ways and in many ways that is something shakingly frustrating.  When my mom wasn’t here, I had almost forgotten about those things.  Well, not quite.  But they weren’t front and center as they became the last few weeks.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom.  Still, I have definite disagreements with some of her outlook.  I’ve seen the good and the bad that comes with it and I’m hoping the kids have learned something from the mistakes of our parents.  (To be fair to my mom, I will also say there are many things I don’t do that my dad did either.)

I believe once you are married, you must be loyal to your partner in public.  Depending on the topic, I define public as anyone outside of the two of you.  On some issues, that may even be your own immediate families.  If you disagree with your partner, you must tell him or her but you must do so in private.  Very importantly, I believe loyalty is required whether you believe your partner is correct or incorrect.  In fact, you can argue it’s even more critical when you two disagree.

In my interactions with my cigar friend so far, it’s become clear that she does not think this way.  To her, as is the case to many people and women especially in India, you are loyal to your own self before you someone else.  This is a tricky situation in that it seems almost maniacal to be loyal to someone else even before yourself.  In my experience, it is not.  The reason is that you do, indeed you must, share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse in private.  Again, this is especially true if you disagree.

Unconditional loyalty can also be tricky for another reason.  It may mean that you abandon your own position.  Depending on the importance of the issue to you personally, it’s something that will undoubtedly come up many times in a lifetime relationship.  This is when you must discuss your views openly and honestly, yet respectfully.  I call it compromising.  There is a give and take that happens in every relationship and it has to happen in those situations where a clear cut call cannot be made. 

Being loyal to someone when you believe they are incorrect can be very difficult.  You do it because, as I said before, you believe the sanctity of your relationship is paramount.  You do what you do because it’s the most important relationship in your life.  You know a marriage is not easy.  You know many obstacles will come in the way.  It’s on those most challenging of times when your priority to your spouse ahead of everyone else must be absolutely clear.  It’s only with that clarity that you can survive the hard times.

It’s also very important that both spouses believe unconditional loyalty down to their core.  Just as strongly as someone may think that loyalty to themselves is most important is how strongly they must feel about this.  It has to be how they are.  If it’s not, it doesn’t work.  At least not for me.

I will add an aside to say that I have not always thought this way.  It’s not that I didn’t think this is how it should be, it’s just that as a kid you don’t think about these things.  If I did come to consider it, I probably would not have as strong a feeling on it as I do now.  Suffice it to say that many of my views on family and relationships changed dramatically since the death of my father some 15 years ago.  Shit happened.  It changed me irreversibly.