Cigar Friend Update

It seems like my cigar friend reads this blog.  As I’ve mentioned before, she hasn’t accepted she does it, but it seems like she does.

Two days ago, my cigar friend realized she was not hanging out with a lot of her friends.  You see, her brother is in town from out of the country.  He had a friend who’s wedding it was and he spent a week on events.  He met a lot of his childhood friends he’s been in touch with for years and probably some he hasn’t.  This led to a conversation between her and me on long-time friends.  It also seems like this got to my cigar friend (I still can’t be sure she’s telling me the truth in why she feels something or does something.  Either that or she may not realize it herself.)

The result of whatever is going on in her head was that she blamed her lack of hanging out with her friends on me.  She said it was my fault because she spends all her weekends with me.  This is problematic since that’s not true.  We tend to meet on weekday evenings more than on weekends.  Whenever she is going out with a friend of hers, I’ve never told her she should hang out with me.  So , I wasn’t too happy about the blame-game.  She’s told me she is highly critical and I guess this is an example.  That’s not a good thing and her thought of it just jarred me. 

The other issue is that it conveyed in a very loud manner that rather than being happy about spending more time with me, someone she wants to potentially marry, she’s critical of that fact.  Isn’t this what happens to people who are dating, they spend more time together and less (but not none) time with their other friends?

This is perhaps what happens when someone is thinking with her head about dating and marriage while she’s in a relationship.  Sometimes it feels like this whole thing is a transaction for her that she just needs to get over with.  In fact, she told me as much the other day.  This may be the case because she says she’s getting increasing pressure from her family.  I’m not sure of the details but I can understand it.

Unfortunately, the kinds of things we run into and the transaction thing just won’t work for me.  I am so weary of more chaos in my life that I am not going to risk getting married until I know with a very high degree of confidence that I am comfortable with this girl.  This will require more time.  Truth be told, I have come to a conclusion a few times in the past few weeks that we have a lot of incompatibilities and it just won’t work out and I was going to call it off.  For whatever reason, I didn’t.  (I’ve talked about her being like my mom in her thinking and approach.  I’ve had an increasingly tense relationship with my mom since moving to India because of her attitudes, behavior, beliefs and approaches – all of that is perhaps another post at another time, it’s not something I’ve written about yet, which is kinda funny.  My blog is anonymous yet I don’t write about something like that.)

Maybe it’s because there’s a part of me that thinks that maybe this will take more time than it’s been so far.  It’s been 4-5 months.  (Oh by the way, that’s another thing she “hinted” at the other day – she seems to be having a lot of pimples etc on her face and a lot of mosquito bites on her arm and she said that never happened until 4-5 months ago.  She says that right along with saying something else that blamed things on me.  The sad thing also is that she tells her friend about these things even though I’ve asked her not to talk about me or us with them.)

I’ve had more instances of things telling me to back off than there are telling me to move forward.  I’m not sure why I am still moving forward.  Well, actually, part of it is the realization that I can’t seem to be finding anyone else.  I’m not actively looking for anyone else now but when I was, I wasn’t finding her (looking only through matrimonial online, not through work, friends, organizations, etc).

My cigar friend is pretty much ready to marry me and has been for a bit.  A couple of months ago she talked about a diamond ring as the only thing she’ll accept.  She mentioned quite a few times over the last couple of months how many people she would have attend her marriage and we had a detailed discussion about that two nights ago.  As an aside, I told her how I would have my marriage happen for the first time then.  Even while we were having that conversation, it was not feeling right.  Remember that movie with John Cusack?  Serendipity.  He’s about to get married yet he thinks someone else he met is his soulmate.  I don’t have a someone else but the hesitation is the same.  Too bad that I don’t.  My movie may not have a happy ending as John’s did.

I’ve shared my hesitation with my cigar friend and she’s recognized it too and commented on it a few times.  Things happened that made me wonder.  Those same things made her wonder if I’m wondering.  She’s been smart enough to recognize those things.

I have hesitated to write my thoughts here because my cigar friend might be reading this.  Heck, so could her mom and friend.  But maybe I should just write it anyway.  She may not be.  Or maybe it doesn’t matter that she is.

As if John Cusack’s movie is still playing, my story continues.  Today was my cigar friend’s birthday.  I took her and her friend out for lunch.  I am going forward with the motions just like John. 

But maybe none of my feelings on our compatibility matter.  Maybe they’re just a product of the short timeframe of getting to know her.  I don’t know.  I don’t know the right answer and I wish I had it.  Should I call it off or keep going with it?

Aane Wala Pal Jaane Wala Hai

My dad was one of those guys who rarely let life get him down.  He had his share of lows, probably more than many others in fact, but he was still the life of the party until the last year or two before he passed away.  I recall many people commenting on his outgoing nature growing up as a kid.  One of my friends posted a song on Orkut the other day.  I have put up the video below.  It is one of my favorite songs of all time.  The singer is Kishore Kumar, who also ranks high in my list.  The song is called Aane Wala Pal Jaane Wala Hai.

The song’s title translates to “the upcoming moment is about to be gone, try to spend your life in it because it’s about to go”.  In many ways, I have not done that.  I have become more aware of that in the last two months than before.  This may be because my life was going fine before coming to India and after being here, it could be better described as being on pause.  In the States, I was meeting people, making friends, doing things.  In India, I don’t know anyone except my cigar friend.  Literally, no one.  (It’s an enigma of life how one person is sufficient to keep you occupied yet it doesn’t seem like that is possible.)

I have thought about this before but now it seems more pressing and more real.  I believe I did what most conscientious and in-the-moment people would do.  When you have limited money, you are careful where you spend it.  You can’t do the same things your friends do.  When you’re very tight on cash, you can do even less, especially when you send it to your family in India and your brother in the States could call you at any moment needing help, which he did/does frequently.  That’s one issue.

A second issue is running into problems with people due to things that happened in your life, whether things were your fault or not.  Being involved in a bad situation is enough to cause you difficulty because everyone has to keep mentioning it.  You can’t escape it because people won’t let you.  It’s hard to move “normally” with your life when it’s not normal.

But then the question arises, does any of this matter?  Is there a way to transcend all of this with my attitude?  Could I be somewhat like my dad and not worry about money?  Sure, he had major cash problems and he and his family paid severe consequences because of it.  But does that matter?  Should I take on the attitude that “everything will be fine” and let me continue being jolly and happy?  I’ve told myself I will never be in the kind of financial problems that he had because I will not put my family through that.  I’ve done everything people expected me to do.

When people are giving me shit, besides ignoring it as much as I do and can, is there more that can be done?  Can I embrace it even if embracing it means it will be as if I am accepting fault?  Am I capable of executing a personality that I can side-step all of that and yet not be hindered or stopped by it?  Is it possible that over time and my interactions with people, the issues will reduce?  Experience suggests that is not possible in India with Indian people.  Then why does it feel like it is possible?

Life can only be lived in the moment.  You can plan and you should, but it can only be executed in the present.  The trick is while you are executing it, you should enjoy it too.  How do I do that?  Do I acknowledge it all or do I ignore it all?  Do I have it in me to be able to do both?  Can I have my cake and eat it too?  Do I try, like I have before, and risk being pushed back down again?  Do I risk that emotional toll?  Am I willing to put my all into it?  My fear is that I’ve done it enough times before that if I try again wholeheartedly and I’m not successful, I’m going to completely lose myself.  I’ve been there before too and I know I won’t survive it a second time.

What I know is that I am not happy.  The truth is that the present situation has been so lengthy, I can’t remember being happy.  I am not unhappy today, I’ve gone past that and life is stagnant more than anything, but I am certainly not as carefree as I was.  The absence of something doesn’t mean it’s opposite exists.  Does that trump everything else and mean I should risk it and try out a complete change of approach?  I want to.  Believe me I do.  I just don’t know if I have it in me to try.  Nor do I know if I even should.

Holding Pattern

What is it about summer in India that makes you want to stay indoors the entire time?!  Oh yah, the heat!!!  We have been seeing temperatures in the mid-40s C, which equates to 110-plus F.  Now that I think about it, when it gets hot, I’m used to seeing women with bikinis strolling around town.  That was in LA or even in other parts of the US where I lived.  That doesn’t happen in New Delhi!

Summers brought about beach volleyball in California.  Or it was about hanging out by the pool side.  In Boston, it was all about sailing and getting out to the nearby states full of amazing countryside beauty – New Hampshire and Maine!  It was also about catching a baseball game or two – watching Red Sox Nation in action!  It was also about hitting the pubs before the game and meeting up with friends, all of whom were doing something or the other.

The summer in India has been one in which life feels like it’s in a holding pattern for many reasons.  A lot of it is because I don’t know as many people here as I do there.  (It is also the fact that I’m figuring out my next career move.)  It doesn’t help that there isn’t much recreational activity here in Delhi.  I couldn’t find a decent place that had pool tables because that’s a game that has not caught on here.  The tables you find are in the malls in the middle of walking areas or in the basements of enterprising individuals who open it up to the public at a nominal rate! 

So, the question comes down to – what do I do?

Smelling the Roses

I enjoy smelling the roses along the path of life – i.e., I take time out for important things no matter how busy I am!  Sure, I still work a lot of hours, but my life is satisfyingly balanced.

I am spending a lot of time on the phone or driving to meet my cigar friend.  Notice I said driving, not actually spending time with her when I get there!    This is because many times the time spent in the car is equivalent to the time I actually end up hanging out with her!  It is just absurd.  But it is what I do.

Lots of things have happened.  My cigar friend and I have had “semi” fights.  We are not sure where we are in the relationship, not having had the talk about that, but we are mosing along.  There is a general compatibility foundation that exists, there’s no question about that.  We have some issues but we’re working through them (I hope!).

Every once in a while, I feel like life is a bit of deja vu.  Or, more appropriately, you get the feeling that someone knows you more than they are letting on.  Why would they do that I am not really sure.  It’s almost like my cigar friend knows me and my family.  Either that or the similarities in a few peculiar ways of our families is very uncanny.  It took her until about 10 days ago to mention to me that she and I know someone in common through another friend.  One of her really good friends’ sister is married to a person I know through my university’s alumni association.  I found it a bit weird she didn’t mention it before.  Was there something to hide?  Is she not telling me something else also?

On another topic – summer is here in Delhi.  It’s getting hot!  I moved the air conditioner from a room which we don’t use (it was supposed to be my office) to the living room.  Now, that room is very comfortable.  My house has two weather centers now, depending on where I am.  One room is cool and comfortable (not cold mind you, just perfect) and the rest of it is hot hot hot!  And I say depending on where I am because my mom is out of the country now.  She is visiting the UK and the US.  And she’ll be gone for a while!  So I’m all alone in the house.  It’s been a couple of days and so far so good.

I am not worried about being alone.  I can live by myself as long as I can interact with people in other ways.  In some ways, I even prefer being by myself.  This is partly because I tend to work a lot (for now, the hours are 15 to 16 hours per day quite a few times the last few weeks, but averaging around 10 to 14).  I also can keep myself occupied.

There are some issues I have to get reacquainted with though now that my mom is not here.  Namely: laundry, cooking, and cleaning.  I can do the laundry, that should not be a problem.  Cooking is a different issue though.  I’ve never really done it on a consistent basis.  It’s just eating out.  Being in India is simpler because I can order food and they’ll deliver it (Indian food that is, which is what I normally prefer to eat).  I can also order Domino’s or Pizza Hut.  The question is how long can I sustain it.  I’ve been making pasta recently.  I know, quite an accomplishment you say.  Trust me, it can be!  I’ve also been doing better at the snacks thing.

I’ve also been cleaning – well, the dishes so far!  No, in India, you don’t even need to do that.  I suspect in the next few weeks I will be domesticated!  I have to buy one of them squeegie brooms you can put in a bucket of water.  The girl who comes to clean in the mornings isn’t going to be coming.  I told my mom I can pull it off.

I make myself sound really bad, but I’m not so bad.  I do it if I have to or if someone else isn’t doing it.  When in the US, I did all this myself.  So I’m back to it again.

A Lot Can Happen in a Week

My cigar friend and I took a step forward.  I’m not quite sure if it should be called a big step or a very small one.  Or, actually, I think it was both.  Yes, I think it was both.

We went to watch a movie, hung out at the mall where the theatre was, were going to go dancing, but then watched another movie instead (long story why no dancing).  In between all that, my friend went to meet a guy’s parents.  She thought she’d be gone for an hour to hour fifteen.  I didn’t think that was too bad.  She made it back three hours later.  By that time, I had gotten my hair cut and bought a shirt.  She told me she’d already told them no but she had to meet them anyway because her mom set it up.

After the second movie, which ended around midnight, we were about to call it a night.  I didn’t quite want to, though I had been awake for way too long that day and was really tired.  I gave her a hug and decided to just hold her.  It was nice.  I then gave her a kiss. All of this led to a conversation – what is happening between us?  She asked me “why I liked her”.  I told her my reasons – she’s a chilled out girl, she was very helpful to me when I first moved to India with random things, basically I liked her attitude and approach.  I gave her a few other reasons as well.  Mind you, this was while we were first at the closed down mall, then walked outside and sat outside the mall, then in my car (too many mosquitos).

The big step happened when I told her why I liked her.  I know she wants to get married (or be in a long-term relationship) by the end of the year.  This works with my own plans.  I told her I do like her, she and I gel, and if things keep progressing as they are, I can see myself getting married to her.  That’s really what she wanted to know and hear.  That’s a really big step!  Isn’t it?!  I do like this girl as far as I know her.  There’s so many additional levels to a person though so I am a bit cautious but my view is generally very positive so far.  There are a few pet peeves kinds of things that aren’t great, but I don’t think those should be obstacles.

The very small step was hers – she says she wants to move very slowly.  Not really sure why and would like to know why.  On the one hand, she wants to get married soon and is willing to jump into an arranged marriage.  On the other hand, there’s hesitation on moving forward.  Actually, we have talked a lot (A LOT – every day!) and spent a good deal of time together as well, but we don’t scratch the surface much.  Perhaps I’m going too fast to expect that from her.  But I do wonder if we’ll get at the same level emotionally.  I definitely want to find out and I hope she’s going to loosen the reins a bit to let that be discoverable.  Compatibility at that level is going to be big, of course!  So far, so good.  Let’s see what’s next.